I've hit a wall.

A wall so big, I can't think of, but more importantly when I TRIED to think of a good analogy or better title, I gave up because it just seemed like too much work.

I don't know; maybe it started with the month of May REFUSING TO FUCKING END, HOW LONG CAN A MOTHERFUCKING 31 DAYS BE?? It's not even June until fucking Saturday. I get paid in 3 weeks, but only have about $200 to get me through to there. I won't even get into the whole truckload of stress of not being able to open a remittance account so I can send money to my US account while I'm in Laos. No... I get paid 5 days after I leave, & can't use my Korean card outside this dirty, shitty hell hole.

I have some remote jobs to apply for, but the cover letters, I just can't. I literally can't bear the idea of writing one, even just altering some that I already have done for other, even slightly related, jobs. The new format I got designed that matches my new resume is in photo format, so I can't save it as a file. I have to apply to at least one more university because schools kept eliminating themselves, so instead of 3-4, we're down to 2. The most interesting program I may not even be able to apply to because it's unclear if the second round of applications is only for those accepted in the first round that was due mid-May, or if they'll accept new ones if there are sufficient openings. Because it's Europe so they're vague as fuck & I'm tired of looking, trying, writing for clarification and then STILL getting vague, non-answer replies because SPAIN/EUROPE.

I'm guessing I have to write the recommendation letter for Ruth to sign, but I can't do that. I don't believe there's a job I can get, I don't believe Spain will be anything less than a ginormous fuck show. I believe that people the world over are innately good because they're completely incompetent and devoid of intelligence. The world outside the US is incompetent & a shit show, & the US decided to jump right into the clusterfuck of fuck shows & start barrelling toward the finish line of ruin at a reckless, relentless pace that overtook the shittiest of shit holes, & there are no vines to grab, no semblance of brakes.

I hate the whole world! The only countries I don't mostly hate are MOST of the ones I've only visited, but I can't guarantee the hatred doesn't extend to those countriesI haven't visited, though I have every faith they would suck as much as the rest of them. My only hope is to try to get to Canada, but again, not going to happen. I can't live anywhere else in the world, but the US ended in 2016. There's nowhere to go & I can't try to feign some sense of optimism that I can get a job that will pay well-- I've given up on work I like. I like teaching! But not in the US, & I can't afford to get certified there & have I mentioned I can't fathom living there now? & there's no way to teach and make a real semblance of a living without said albatross of extra school loans. Mine are still at the amount when I left school, so fuck that.

So here I am, too exhausted to try. I have to, but I can't. If a true, goddamn miracle happens & I actually do SOMETHING, it will be halfhearted at best. I thought if I gave myself a day off today after yesterday when this wall grew big as fuck in front of me, that maybe it'd be surmountable or something, but it's not. I can't do anything to DO anything. The time I was home between Chile & Korea sucked only because I was so fucking broke, & I don't want to do that again, but there are no more places to dig deep from & do shit. My fucks ran out SOOOOOO long ago, I was bankrupted so couldn't afford any but the store has been out for years & isn't even bothering to look for more to restock.

Do you want to know the bright spot? That Amy sent me a keyboard since mine stopped working a while ago. Being able to type is SO NICE. She also sent me a lovely little knitted pad for face washing or the kitchen, the kick-ass notation stick-ons I posted on facebook, some coasters & lip balm. & that my favorite student, Leo, now calls me Yenny. He also calls me Golden Supergirl/Coffee Monster, but of course he thinks that upsets me.

So guys, I guess I may try again, sometime, after it's really too late & there's no more jobs to apply for. But with my depression & that I'm close BUT SO FAR AWAY FROM LEAVING KOREA, there's just nothing I can do. And that's just where I am now. Maybe getting out will rejuvinate me, though this has definitely sunk into a severe depression at this point, & I'm not sure that a change of scenery is enough. I suppose we'll see, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Those left with the fucks I had.