Mentioned to Jason, who has a lot of experience with anxiety meds himself, that I'm on .5 mg of clonazepam twice/day. It makes me rather tired/sleepy and feel like I'm underwater a bit. I was hoping that, despite how little I want to do that with Elmo et. al., maybe it'll get better after a week or two.
Jason said that that is WAY too much be to taking. He said he would only take .25 once/day, and were he to take the .5 in the AM like I am he'd be a zombie. I truly could not imagine feeling that tomorrow in class, so I'm going to go ahead and take his advice and halve the pill. I KNOW, I'm always about the doctor knowing best, but it's hard for me to stay awake at all. And because the pills have a half life of anywhere from like 18-52 hours, it's building up in my system. He suggested I skip tonight's and take the half tomorrow and that should be fine for me, keep me calm and everything, but prevent the zombie state.
Other than that, had a nice time with Danielle and her family today. Leah was asking her dad if I could stay the night, lol. Danielle said, as my sister has, that I'm really good with kids. I think I am one-on-one, just as I am a lot more comfortable and happy with people one-on-one. Though it's still funny that I hear about being good with kids but Hetty keeps telling me I should only teach adults. Lol.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Moving right along....
Hmm. I wonder if I have some drafts waiting to be proofed & posted with recent nonsense. But I'm too tired & lazy to look, so I'll take care of them later & fill in now.
Hetty decided to bring in a Korean coteacher for me for April to help with Elmo. She decided to do this before I'd given my notice, mwah mwah. Her name is Heidi and she came in on Wednesday. Her occupation should be the Terror Whisperer, because I watched with amazement, admiration, abd pleasure as she got those little monsters doing whatever she asked after about 15 minutes. THEY WALKED IN A LINE WITH HER AROUND THE SCHOOL WITH THEIR FINGERS TO THEIR MOUTHS, SILENTLY following!!! No pushing, no running, no shoving, no bitching at each other. I almost want to construct an altar and start bowing to her she is so awesome. A while ago I tried to say they were acting like little 3-year-olds, should I treat them like babies? They didn't care at all if I did. But with Heidi, if she indicated she was going to erase the age they'd gotten to (up to 10), they'd all start begging her not to and shape up.
In short, she is my hero except I absolutely do not want to be her. I want to watch her do her magic, and others do that magic, and never want to study and perform such magic myself because I just do not want to teach kids these young, period.
On Monday Hetty said that they'll probably need about 5 weeks to get a teacher here, so I resigned myself to May 1 being my departure date, which is still SOOOOO FARRRR AWAYYYY, oh my God, I keep despairing how long a month is. Wednesday I was so done that I just thought, no, I cannot teach kids after this, no way, absolutely not. Which I'd love to just skip and go right to adults, but in Asia teaching adults means the horrid split shift. You teach from 6 AM to about 10 AM, then have off until you go back to work from about 5 PM to 10 PM. Usually with some Saturdays too. Aside from really hating working Saturdays, getting home after 10 to have to be up and out by around 5 AM? I could only do that for a couple of months, if that. I still really and truly cannot see myself lasting a full 12 month contract after ILS-- 6-9 was what I was thinking even though it means no severance. But I wouldn't last 6 months with that schedule. Sooooo... yeah.
Things have been looking up in that the anxiety is much more under control and life is a lot better in that regard. I started looking at jobs now even though I didn't know when I could go just to see if it'd be hard to get anyone to talk to me when I'm breaking a contract 3 months in. I sent one email at 1 AM last week and had an email requesting a phone interview the next day. So apparently that may not be much of an issue in my getting whatever next job I see.
As I mentioned in facebook I met another awesome expat women, Danielle, and her ADORABLE daughter (who smiles like Tyler), and loved them both. And as luck would have it, they're just as fond of me. We're actually planning on having a picnic tomorrow. Last night I went out to pretty nearby Bundang for a yoga pants and wine girls' night. It was a hell of a lot of fun, I drank a lot more than I intended, as usual, got home late and then stayed up much later, but made some more friends I think. Including a funny and zany Brit who also lives in Yongin, only apparently Yongin is huge and she's on the other side of it..
Last night was a huge reason to celebrate for me because after that last class ended at 7:10 Hetty wanted to tell me that she has interviewed a teacher who's already here in Korea who she thinks can be ready to start in mid-April, so I won't have to finish the whole month I don't think! I was basically a ball of joy walking home, lol. It's funny how every time she talks to me she tells me how she has not liked me/my work, yet still is so sad I'm leaving. Interestingly, Hetty got a call from the recruiter I spoke with, even though I told the recruiter I had no idea of my availability for new positions, and she gave me a recommendation, but only that I should just work with adults. So, I somehow am not that liked but can get a recommendation, so long as it's adults. Which is the impossible split shift. What IS a girl to do?
Today I dragged my still-groggy-from-the-wine-and-late-night self to Seoul to get some meds for the anxiety, even though it's under control now. He's having me try a low dose of clozapine (sp?) for 2 weeks and see how that works. So far it definitely made me feel drowsy and a touch out of it, but I think it should maybe hopefully be manageable at work. We'll see. Seems like I'll need to do a week to get used to it, but dealing with being tired for a week all day, more than usual, really sounds like a bad way to set myself up for a week there, lol.
Soooo, yeah. Happier, relieved, optimistic about future here once again! Ah, how I wish and hope this can last!
Hetty decided to bring in a Korean coteacher for me for April to help with Elmo. She decided to do this before I'd given my notice, mwah mwah. Her name is Heidi and she came in on Wednesday. Her occupation should be the Terror Whisperer, because I watched with amazement, admiration, abd pleasure as she got those little monsters doing whatever she asked after about 15 minutes. THEY WALKED IN A LINE WITH HER AROUND THE SCHOOL WITH THEIR FINGERS TO THEIR MOUTHS, SILENTLY following!!! No pushing, no running, no shoving, no bitching at each other. I almost want to construct an altar and start bowing to her she is so awesome. A while ago I tried to say they were acting like little 3-year-olds, should I treat them like babies? They didn't care at all if I did. But with Heidi, if she indicated she was going to erase the age they'd gotten to (up to 10), they'd all start begging her not to and shape up.
In short, she is my hero except I absolutely do not want to be her. I want to watch her do her magic, and others do that magic, and never want to study and perform such magic myself because I just do not want to teach kids these young, period.
On Monday Hetty said that they'll probably need about 5 weeks to get a teacher here, so I resigned myself to May 1 being my departure date, which is still SOOOOO FARRRR AWAYYYY, oh my God, I keep despairing how long a month is. Wednesday I was so done that I just thought, no, I cannot teach kids after this, no way, absolutely not. Which I'd love to just skip and go right to adults, but in Asia teaching adults means the horrid split shift. You teach from 6 AM to about 10 AM, then have off until you go back to work from about 5 PM to 10 PM. Usually with some Saturdays too. Aside from really hating working Saturdays, getting home after 10 to have to be up and out by around 5 AM? I could only do that for a couple of months, if that. I still really and truly cannot see myself lasting a full 12 month contract after ILS-- 6-9 was what I was thinking even though it means no severance. But I wouldn't last 6 months with that schedule. Sooooo... yeah.
Things have been looking up in that the anxiety is much more under control and life is a lot better in that regard. I started looking at jobs now even though I didn't know when I could go just to see if it'd be hard to get anyone to talk to me when I'm breaking a contract 3 months in. I sent one email at 1 AM last week and had an email requesting a phone interview the next day. So apparently that may not be much of an issue in my getting whatever next job I see.
As I mentioned in facebook I met another awesome expat women, Danielle, and her ADORABLE daughter (who smiles like Tyler), and loved them both. And as luck would have it, they're just as fond of me. We're actually planning on having a picnic tomorrow. Last night I went out to pretty nearby Bundang for a yoga pants and wine girls' night. It was a hell of a lot of fun, I drank a lot more than I intended, as usual, got home late and then stayed up much later, but made some more friends I think. Including a funny and zany Brit who also lives in Yongin, only apparently Yongin is huge and she's on the other side of it..
Last night was a huge reason to celebrate for me because after that last class ended at 7:10 Hetty wanted to tell me that she has interviewed a teacher who's already here in Korea who she thinks can be ready to start in mid-April, so I won't have to finish the whole month I don't think! I was basically a ball of joy walking home, lol. It's funny how every time she talks to me she tells me how she has not liked me/my work, yet still is so sad I'm leaving. Interestingly, Hetty got a call from the recruiter I spoke with, even though I told the recruiter I had no idea of my availability for new positions, and she gave me a recommendation, but only that I should just work with adults. So, I somehow am not that liked but can get a recommendation, so long as it's adults. Which is the impossible split shift. What IS a girl to do?
Today I dragged my still-groggy-from-the-wine-and-late-night self to Seoul to get some meds for the anxiety, even though it's under control now. He's having me try a low dose of clozapine (sp?) for 2 weeks and see how that works. So far it definitely made me feel drowsy and a touch out of it, but I think it should maybe hopefully be manageable at work. We'll see. Seems like I'll need to do a week to get used to it, but dealing with being tired for a week all day, more than usual, really sounds like a bad way to set myself up for a week there, lol.
Soooo, yeah. Happier, relieved, optimistic about future here once again! Ah, how I wish and hope this can last!
Friday, March 18, 2016
Assuredly, this is a most temporary respite from unpleasantness,
but I feel strangely good this morning. This was only made possible, however, by the demise of my constant companion, anxiety.
It's a nice sunny day outside, and I suspect as warm as yesterday. There are St. Paddy celebrations all over the area.... and I saw a great job post for people who are alum of the TEFL Academy that I am an alum of, who want people who have taught abroad, opening in Chicago. In this job, you'd help advise people on where they're going and getting there. I think I'd enjoy that, although I may have deep personal conflicts when not being able to tell someone that in fact, the only way you have a chance of not becoming impoverished in Latin America is by having lived as a near-homeless person for the past 4 years in college, and not knowing anything better or another way. The real clincher for me? 4 weeks' vacation. THAT'S more like what I'm talking about! (Jason and I discussed our huge difficulty with reentering the American workforce, knowing that we're tied to those jobs with measly, if any, vacation. Though Jason is more conflicted, because he wants a job where he can just up and leave for indeterminate amounts of time. And while that's exactly what I want, I'm slightly more ok with accepting less than that for a little stability.)
I was rather nervous yesterday morning, to see if Hetty would remain as nice and reasonable about my quitting as she was the night before. We talked more yesterday, and she again asked if I was sure about quitting.
The thing is, I realized, this IS a good school, and she IS a good boss, even if there are still the Korean parts of being a boss that one must adjust to. It really wasn't until I talked to some of the women who've been expats here in Korea for years that I learned that there were 3 things combining to fuck with my head and force me to quit. First, the culture shock. And I still find it interesting to now say there are DIFFERENT TYPES of culture shock. Here in Korea, I really can't imagine anyone who's travelled a bit will encounter it anywhere outside of work. But inside of work? OH YES. Yes you will. Whereas in China, it will assault you as you walk down the street of the tourist parts of Beijing.
So, yes, culture shock. Culture shock isn't pleasant, but trust me even though I wasn't entirely sure, lol, culture shock alone canNOT account for this much anxiety. Thing number 2? New ownership. WAAYYY back in my first professional job out of college, the company I worked for was sold to Siemens Dematic. New ownership! This affected me not at all except how I answered the phone. But here, in these smaller schools which are usually franchises, it often/usually means, forget what you learned/were learning/thought you knew. Or parts of it. Or all of it. Or some, or none, but now add on this new paperwork/system for something. Because understandably, a new person has a new way of doing things. According to what I've been told, new ownership is very stressful for all involved, and the transition period is anywhere from 3-6 months. Plus, the start of a new school year is ALWAYS highly stressful, thanks to new schedules which are still likely to be changed literally day-to-day, etc.
And thirdly? Hetty has never owned a hagwon before. Her sister/family has, but this is her first time doing it. So, she's learning her way into things too. Meaning, you put all of that together, and you get me marinating in nonstop, super-strong anxiety and stress.
Interestingly, when we spoke yesterday, Hetty admitted she wasn't thrilled with me when she first came on. But from what I remember, she said she looked forward to working with me on that. I can only guess that may have meant turning me into the outgoing nonpainted clown that Asians really expect ESL teachers here to be. Basically, the way teachers here put it is, they truly could not care less if the kids are learning, as long as they're having fun. Because it they're having fun, playing games and entertained by the dancing, singing, outrageously silly monkey that they call a teacher, they're happy, so their parents are happy to keep shelling out money for them to keep going there. Hearing confirmation that Hetty didn't really like me (but MAYBE saw potential in me maybe? I guess?), I am rather confused as to why the sadness. In fact, last night we rode down in the elevator together, and made slight small talk. Given my general inability to read people that well, never mind someone from a different culture, I'm likely wrong, but it felt as though she was sad, and a bit confused as to how I could be so pleasant and talk as if nothing had happened. In fact, she told me that Thursday night she couldn't sleep because of my quitting. Me? I'm really just assuming it's due to her feeling super-stressed by her new job (understandable, and also likely what's been a big part of my problem with her, that she lashes out at me due to her general stress, which honestly is my JUST DESSERTS, given that's what *I* always do to people!), plus the new stress of having to figure out this hiring-a-new-teacher so soon.
Still, as I said, she's still chomping at the bit to get someone new in ASAP, so then I will be out ASAP. And the TEFL Academy job they want to start in April. So!! My ONLY niggling-feeling? I really did want to get a full year here under my belt, for the experience, if not the money. To have the chance to break through the culture shock, and keeping having more money than I need to live on. We got paid for February on March 10, and this was the first deposit into my bank account. I'm still living off of the cash from January's pay that I received on February 12. I haven't transferred any of that money over to my American bank account to pay off those nightmare credit card bills, but I WILL (read: MUST). And yes, I was wanting/hoping to get another year or 2 of teaching abroad done before heading home, but the thing I've learned even while finally making a good amount of money here is that, particularly when thinking long term as one must at my age toward retirement, there's really no place you can really set yourself up for that other than your home country. I was actually thinking how perfect it would be if I could just come back here to retire, except I'd need to be on the healthcare plan when older because those medical costs won't be as they are now. The only place an ESL teacher can make money is in Asia, but it really is not that easy to live here. I know that I need to live in developed countries, and Latin America's most developed, isn't. You can forget working in Europe thanks to no visa to non-EU citizens like us Americans (or Aussies), in addition to the fact that, again, you're just not going to be paid enough to be ok. And anywhere else in Asia, you're really just going to make enough to be fine where you are, but no saving, and undeveloped/really fucked-up. So, do I still have time to sow my wanderlust oats, so to speak, before I really need to buckle down? If you're a responsible person, hell no. If you're me, yes. Lol. But I still see the writing on the wall, how untenable this is for more than 5-10 years, depending on your age. So, wish me luck with that job!! And if not that job, wish me luck on finding a better one here in Korea!
It's a nice sunny day outside, and I suspect as warm as yesterday. There are St. Paddy celebrations all over the area.... and I saw a great job post for people who are alum of the TEFL Academy that I am an alum of, who want people who have taught abroad, opening in Chicago. In this job, you'd help advise people on where they're going and getting there. I think I'd enjoy that, although I may have deep personal conflicts when not being able to tell someone that in fact, the only way you have a chance of not becoming impoverished in Latin America is by having lived as a near-homeless person for the past 4 years in college, and not knowing anything better or another way. The real clincher for me? 4 weeks' vacation. THAT'S more like what I'm talking about! (Jason and I discussed our huge difficulty with reentering the American workforce, knowing that we're tied to those jobs with measly, if any, vacation. Though Jason is more conflicted, because he wants a job where he can just up and leave for indeterminate amounts of time. And while that's exactly what I want, I'm slightly more ok with accepting less than that for a little stability.)
I was rather nervous yesterday morning, to see if Hetty would remain as nice and reasonable about my quitting as she was the night before. We talked more yesterday, and she again asked if I was sure about quitting.
The thing is, I realized, this IS a good school, and she IS a good boss, even if there are still the Korean parts of being a boss that one must adjust to. It really wasn't until I talked to some of the women who've been expats here in Korea for years that I learned that there were 3 things combining to fuck with my head and force me to quit. First, the culture shock. And I still find it interesting to now say there are DIFFERENT TYPES of culture shock. Here in Korea, I really can't imagine anyone who's travelled a bit will encounter it anywhere outside of work. But inside of work? OH YES. Yes you will. Whereas in China, it will assault you as you walk down the street of the tourist parts of Beijing.
So, yes, culture shock. Culture shock isn't pleasant, but trust me even though I wasn't entirely sure, lol, culture shock alone canNOT account for this much anxiety. Thing number 2? New ownership. WAAYYY back in my first professional job out of college, the company I worked for was sold to Siemens Dematic. New ownership! This affected me not at all except how I answered the phone. But here, in these smaller schools which are usually franchises, it often/usually means, forget what you learned/were learning/thought you knew. Or parts of it. Or all of it. Or some, or none, but now add on this new paperwork/system for something. Because understandably, a new person has a new way of doing things. According to what I've been told, new ownership is very stressful for all involved, and the transition period is anywhere from 3-6 months. Plus, the start of a new school year is ALWAYS highly stressful, thanks to new schedules which are still likely to be changed literally day-to-day, etc.
And thirdly? Hetty has never owned a hagwon before. Her sister/family has, but this is her first time doing it. So, she's learning her way into things too. Meaning, you put all of that together, and you get me marinating in nonstop, super-strong anxiety and stress.
Interestingly, when we spoke yesterday, Hetty admitted she wasn't thrilled with me when she first came on. But from what I remember, she said she looked forward to working with me on that. I can only guess that may have meant turning me into the outgoing nonpainted clown that Asians really expect ESL teachers here to be. Basically, the way teachers here put it is, they truly could not care less if the kids are learning, as long as they're having fun. Because it they're having fun, playing games and entertained by the dancing, singing, outrageously silly monkey that they call a teacher, they're happy, so their parents are happy to keep shelling out money for them to keep going there. Hearing confirmation that Hetty didn't really like me (but MAYBE saw potential in me maybe? I guess?), I am rather confused as to why the sadness. In fact, last night we rode down in the elevator together, and made slight small talk. Given my general inability to read people that well, never mind someone from a different culture, I'm likely wrong, but it felt as though she was sad, and a bit confused as to how I could be so pleasant and talk as if nothing had happened. In fact, she told me that Thursday night she couldn't sleep because of my quitting. Me? I'm really just assuming it's due to her feeling super-stressed by her new job (understandable, and also likely what's been a big part of my problem with her, that she lashes out at me due to her general stress, which honestly is my JUST DESSERTS, given that's what *I* always do to people!), plus the new stress of having to figure out this hiring-a-new-teacher so soon.
Still, as I said, she's still chomping at the bit to get someone new in ASAP, so then I will be out ASAP. And the TEFL Academy job they want to start in April. So!! My ONLY niggling-feeling? I really did want to get a full year here under my belt, for the experience, if not the money. To have the chance to break through the culture shock, and keeping having more money than I need to live on. We got paid for February on March 10, and this was the first deposit into my bank account. I'm still living off of the cash from January's pay that I received on February 12. I haven't transferred any of that money over to my American bank account to pay off those nightmare credit card bills, but I WILL (read: MUST). And yes, I was wanting/hoping to get another year or 2 of teaching abroad done before heading home, but the thing I've learned even while finally making a good amount of money here is that, particularly when thinking long term as one must at my age toward retirement, there's really no place you can really set yourself up for that other than your home country. I was actually thinking how perfect it would be if I could just come back here to retire, except I'd need to be on the healthcare plan when older because those medical costs won't be as they are now. The only place an ESL teacher can make money is in Asia, but it really is not that easy to live here. I know that I need to live in developed countries, and Latin America's most developed, isn't. You can forget working in Europe thanks to no visa to non-EU citizens like us Americans (or Aussies), in addition to the fact that, again, you're just not going to be paid enough to be ok. And anywhere else in Asia, you're really just going to make enough to be fine where you are, but no saving, and undeveloped/really fucked-up. So, do I still have time to sow my wanderlust oats, so to speak, before I really need to buckle down? If you're a responsible person, hell no. If you're me, yes. Lol. But I still see the writing on the wall, how untenable this is for more than 5-10 years, depending on your age. So, wish me luck with that job!! And if not that job, wish me luck on finding a better one here in Korea!
Thursday, March 17, 2016
We may have found the straw that broke the camel's back
Ohhhh, well, as always, so much happens, so little time/thought of updating everything.
Since we last spoke, I'm fairly certain things got a bit more... serious, as in, more moments to urge me to go.
I hate to say this as it will almost definitely change, but Elmo isn't even my big problem anymore. Eric is SOMEHOW not being a total little tool who refuses to listen. He is reading- no, he is volunteering to read! Ian isn't quite as whiny as before. So at least I have THAT less to worry about.
Last week, Anna, the vice principal, needed to talk to me. She told me that 2 classes (later she divulged the older students, so middle school, the age group I thought I wanted to teach, lol!!) complained that I am a spiritless teacher. Which I took to mean without passion. 1 of these classes is 2 girls, about 13, who don't really talk. 1 of them, Sophia, doesn't like music. To repeat, she told me she doesn't listen to music at all, she doesn't like it, at all. Which I think qualifies her as having no soul, but whatever. Anna asked my thoughts. I said I definitely tended to stick more to academics than games or anything else, particularly as the girls, at least, don't exactly seem that open. Which is true enough. She also clarified that they didn't say I was boring, but spiritless. She said boring, or this, or that, we can fix. But no passion, they can't. She suggested I talk to the other teachers, ask their advice, try to play more games, not always stick with the book.
Normally, being called into to talk to my supervisors FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT. I am usually ashamed and horrified when being talked to about any faults or failings. With this meeting, I felt nothing. At all, the whole time, during, and after. I just didn't care.
I still went to those 2 classes and skipped the reading/played games/focused on just getting the girls to talk. BUT the week wasn't done yet!
Friday night, I am in my last class, a larger class that's really boisterous. The principal, Hetty, and the receptionist came in to ask about Lilly's report card, which I'd have finished 2-3 weeks ago, but they were only sending out now. I told them I was sure I'd written one, and went to find my student write-ups. UnFORTUNATELY, no, not one for Lilly. I remembered then that she'd been gone for 1 month, 1/2 of February, and I figured that meant I didn't have to do it.
Naturally this was not good. Hetty was, once again, understandably, upset. She actually pulled me out of the class to start writing it, but of course with that class, no teacher, no order, so sent me back in, and told me to do it afterward.
Hetty, Donna (the receptionist) and I were all going to the teacher dinner at some restaurant afterward too. Good times sitting in the car with her after fucking this up. Fortunately, Donna doesn't speak English and never stops talking, so Hetty just kept listening to her drivel the whole way.
I am surprised to report that conversation with Sara and Kiara was really good: aside from politics and social issues, we of course delved back into my adjustment, or lack thereof. Kiara pointed out that the class' Korean teacher should have noticed a while ago that I hadn't put that report card in, that being part of their jobs.
Naturally, according to everyone, you will make mistakes, and keep making mistakes, for a long time here. Kiara repeatedly made the same mistakes for the 1st 6 months she was there. So it'd be great to remember that and give myself a giant break.
Sara said she was certain she'd be fired within a month or less, due to too much joking with the kids (whereas I don't do that enough).
I decided to reach out on the women expat facebook page and just ask people how to deal with the culture shock. And the responses were why I'm so keen on staying here: people are incredibly supportive and friendly. Now I have plenty of invitations from people nearby to meet up and talk and be reassured. I've been given ample advice, and generally feel a little better.
Nevertheless, I still HATE the new curriculum, Hessed, which none of us American teachers wanted to touch with a 10-foot-pole, and I'm the one who was put in charge of it. Except that Hetty LOVES obsessing about it, wanting to count, and recount, and recount again, the kits for the kids, ask confusing questions, and generally make this fucked-up program something I hate all the more.
Today we were told that now, in addition to writing the monthly lesson plans for all of our classes (for me that's 7 distinct classes), report cards, hobble together big assessment tests, write biweekly progress reports on each kindergartener to tell their parents what a marvelous little genius their progeny is, spread out books that would normally be finished in 1 month over 3... now we have to write daily lesson plans for each class. For me that's around 25/week. They aren't the exhaustive ones that one would do as a "real" teacher, more like note-form. But it's still a lot and more than I can fathom taking on when I'm just keeping my head near or above water as it is.
So today, taking into account everything, including how much I dislike the Hessed (I teach it to 4 classes/week. It's about astronauts and outer space-- 1 class is preschool and just learning the alphabet, the other is super low: they repeat everything I say, including questions I'm asking them, and don't understand the words, "answer," "tell me," "what sound does this letter make," and "write.), plus the new busy work (which is what Kiara called it, and she's the only one of us who adjusted there-- Sara said she never did, though thinks it's just this place, not the Korean system in general, which I'm still grappling with), plus my short days being 9 hours long, I just have to get away from this place. Naturally I'm back to worrying about getting the release letter, even though I do as I'm told, stick up for myself (which they respect, apparently), and go by the letter of the contract, including this FUCKING INSANE 3 months' notice, because I'll be leaving right when Kiara does. So I'm definitely anxious now about where to go and what to do when I can't get another job here. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Since we last spoke, I'm fairly certain things got a bit more... serious, as in, more moments to urge me to go.
I hate to say this as it will almost definitely change, but Elmo isn't even my big problem anymore. Eric is SOMEHOW not being a total little tool who refuses to listen. He is reading- no, he is volunteering to read! Ian isn't quite as whiny as before. So at least I have THAT less to worry about.
Last week, Anna, the vice principal, needed to talk to me. She told me that 2 classes (later she divulged the older students, so middle school, the age group I thought I wanted to teach, lol!!) complained that I am a spiritless teacher. Which I took to mean without passion. 1 of these classes is 2 girls, about 13, who don't really talk. 1 of them, Sophia, doesn't like music. To repeat, she told me she doesn't listen to music at all, she doesn't like it, at all. Which I think qualifies her as having no soul, but whatever. Anna asked my thoughts. I said I definitely tended to stick more to academics than games or anything else, particularly as the girls, at least, don't exactly seem that open. Which is true enough. She also clarified that they didn't say I was boring, but spiritless. She said boring, or this, or that, we can fix. But no passion, they can't. She suggested I talk to the other teachers, ask their advice, try to play more games, not always stick with the book.
Normally, being called into to talk to my supervisors FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT. I am usually ashamed and horrified when being talked to about any faults or failings. With this meeting, I felt nothing. At all, the whole time, during, and after. I just didn't care.
I still went to those 2 classes and skipped the reading/played games/focused on just getting the girls to talk. BUT the week wasn't done yet!
Friday night, I am in my last class, a larger class that's really boisterous. The principal, Hetty, and the receptionist came in to ask about Lilly's report card, which I'd have finished 2-3 weeks ago, but they were only sending out now. I told them I was sure I'd written one, and went to find my student write-ups. UnFORTUNATELY, no, not one for Lilly. I remembered then that she'd been gone for 1 month, 1/2 of February, and I figured that meant I didn't have to do it.
Naturally this was not good. Hetty was, once again, understandably, upset. She actually pulled me out of the class to start writing it, but of course with that class, no teacher, no order, so sent me back in, and told me to do it afterward.
Hetty, Donna (the receptionist) and I were all going to the teacher dinner at some restaurant afterward too. Good times sitting in the car with her after fucking this up. Fortunately, Donna doesn't speak English and never stops talking, so Hetty just kept listening to her drivel the whole way.
I am surprised to report that conversation with Sara and Kiara was really good: aside from politics and social issues, we of course delved back into my adjustment, or lack thereof. Kiara pointed out that the class' Korean teacher should have noticed a while ago that I hadn't put that report card in, that being part of their jobs.
Naturally, according to everyone, you will make mistakes, and keep making mistakes, for a long time here. Kiara repeatedly made the same mistakes for the 1st 6 months she was there. So it'd be great to remember that and give myself a giant break.
Sara said she was certain she'd be fired within a month or less, due to too much joking with the kids (whereas I don't do that enough).
I decided to reach out on the women expat facebook page and just ask people how to deal with the culture shock. And the responses were why I'm so keen on staying here: people are incredibly supportive and friendly. Now I have plenty of invitations from people nearby to meet up and talk and be reassured. I've been given ample advice, and generally feel a little better.
Nevertheless, I still HATE the new curriculum, Hessed, which none of us American teachers wanted to touch with a 10-foot-pole, and I'm the one who was put in charge of it. Except that Hetty LOVES obsessing about it, wanting to count, and recount, and recount again, the kits for the kids, ask confusing questions, and generally make this fucked-up program something I hate all the more.
Today we were told that now, in addition to writing the monthly lesson plans for all of our classes (for me that's 7 distinct classes), report cards, hobble together big assessment tests, write biweekly progress reports on each kindergartener to tell their parents what a marvelous little genius their progeny is, spread out books that would normally be finished in 1 month over 3... now we have to write daily lesson plans for each class. For me that's around 25/week. They aren't the exhaustive ones that one would do as a "real" teacher, more like note-form. But it's still a lot and more than I can fathom taking on when I'm just keeping my head near or above water as it is.
So today, taking into account everything, including how much I dislike the Hessed (I teach it to 4 classes/week. It's about astronauts and outer space-- 1 class is preschool and just learning the alphabet, the other is super low: they repeat everything I say, including questions I'm asking them, and don't understand the words, "answer," "tell me," "what sound does this letter make," and "write.), plus the new busy work (which is what Kiara called it, and she's the only one of us who adjusted there-- Sara said she never did, though thinks it's just this place, not the Korean system in general, which I'm still grappling with), plus my short days being 9 hours long, I just have to get away from this place. Naturally I'm back to worrying about getting the release letter, even though I do as I'm told, stick up for myself (which they respect, apparently), and go by the letter of the contract, including this FUCKING INSANE 3 months' notice, because I'll be leaving right when Kiara does. So I'm definitely anxious now about where to go and what to do when I can't get another job here. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Don't worry, it's not you, it's me
You are SOOO far behind and that is because, as usual, I fell behind in proofing & posting. So my bad there.
It is done: I resigned today, which is to say, I gave the school my 3 months' notice.
Up until I knocked on her door, ESPECIALLY BEFORE I knocked on her door to talk to her, I was swinging back and forth like a God damned pendulum. It sounded like a lot of what I was going through was culture shock... except sometimes it didn't. Asking around sort of split it for me. But my anxiety is what really made the decision for me. I simply could not continue living like I was.
You know how you feel when you suddenly realize you did something terribly wrong/forgot to do something extremely important? Your stomach dropping, maybe feeling a little feverish (unless that's just me), etc., etc.? I feel like that for days. The only blessing was I wasn't losing sleep. But Tuesday I felt that way, fell asleep, and as SOON as I woke up on Wednesday, I felt that way again.
The only inkling I had that my anxiety was abnormal was when I was seeing a psychiatrist after a break-up, and he listed that as something I "have." We even discussed medication, but I decided against it. I have an appointment for a clinic that is good about that here, but it isn't for another 2 weeks. My options were: decide about this while my anxiety remains, as always, through the roof, or wait another month for the meds to maybe kick in, only to find out that the debate between culture shock and bad place was bad place because I was still freaking out, and am once again stuck for an even longer time.
Koreans supposedly never say anything negative to your face, but Hetty, the owner, did. Almost daily. So we're back to my boss seeming to not like me, which I interpret as getting in trouble when I was a kid, blah blah blah. Nevertheless, she is very nice and is always pleasant to me when she sees me. Naturally, she just bought the school, hence she's adjusting, while I'm adjusting, and while I was just starting to get a lay of the land, the land completely turned over and became new.
My feeling was this is not one of the bad hagwons, and indeed, I've never had any of the issues one usually has. Other than my deep unhappiness and nonstop anxiety. The only other time I had anxiety like this was an AWFUL job I had for just 6 months before I worked at MSI. Yet another reason that I leaned on this being less about my culture shock and more about this just not being the place for me.
Hetty was extremely nice. I thought surely she might have had an inkling, but she was very surprised, and said she was very said. I did not give her the letter I'd written, though I did reiterate what I did in the letter, which was devoted to saving face. She said that she knew I was giving the 3 months' notice, but would I be ok if I left by the end of this month/start of April? That was NOT my plan, but it does save me from another 3 months of this.
I am THINKING, though didn't broach it directly because Hetty needed to talk to Anna, the VP, as she's in charge of teachers, that I may be able to get my letter of release, which makes it A LOT easier to apply elsewhere. And would mean I won't have to fly back home for 9 months to wait out the expiration of my ARC card (thereby making a couple people very sad that I would be an alien no longer, lol). But she was so nice and reasonable that I am not worried.
In fact, it went so well I had decided that it really WAS all culture shock and I'd just quit a perfectly good hagwon. Thankfully, I met up with one of the really awesome women who reached out to me when I cast around on facebook for a lifeline amidst all this. Particularly due to the American teachers, the fact that it is truly, truly painful to go through ownership change at a hagwon, and that on top of culture shock anyway, and once I told Dani about where my anxiety is, she said SOMETHING there is toxic, or toxic for me, and I definitely needed to get out. That there are plenty of jobs here that WON'T require me to simmer in my own cortisol and adrenaline for months at a time. No job is worth that sort of hit on quality of life.
I've felt calm ever since, even while I was worrying right afterward that I'd definitely made the wrong decision. Could also be just meeting a new, likable person who tells you you didn't get it wrong. So we'll see how I feel tomorrow. Of course, moving on to a new place when I know right now that I canNOT complete another 9 months here, never mind take on a whole new 12 months lease, isn't awesome. But who knows? I might actually get an apartment that's wider than I am tall!
It is done: I resigned today, which is to say, I gave the school my 3 months' notice.
Up until I knocked on her door, ESPECIALLY BEFORE I knocked on her door to talk to her, I was swinging back and forth like a God damned pendulum. It sounded like a lot of what I was going through was culture shock... except sometimes it didn't. Asking around sort of split it for me. But my anxiety is what really made the decision for me. I simply could not continue living like I was.
You know how you feel when you suddenly realize you did something terribly wrong/forgot to do something extremely important? Your stomach dropping, maybe feeling a little feverish (unless that's just me), etc., etc.? I feel like that for days. The only blessing was I wasn't losing sleep. But Tuesday I felt that way, fell asleep, and as SOON as I woke up on Wednesday, I felt that way again.
The only inkling I had that my anxiety was abnormal was when I was seeing a psychiatrist after a break-up, and he listed that as something I "have." We even discussed medication, but I decided against it. I have an appointment for a clinic that is good about that here, but it isn't for another 2 weeks. My options were: decide about this while my anxiety remains, as always, through the roof, or wait another month for the meds to maybe kick in, only to find out that the debate between culture shock and bad place was bad place because I was still freaking out, and am once again stuck for an even longer time.
Koreans supposedly never say anything negative to your face, but Hetty, the owner, did. Almost daily. So we're back to my boss seeming to not like me, which I interpret as getting in trouble when I was a kid, blah blah blah. Nevertheless, she is very nice and is always pleasant to me when she sees me. Naturally, she just bought the school, hence she's adjusting, while I'm adjusting, and while I was just starting to get a lay of the land, the land completely turned over and became new.
My feeling was this is not one of the bad hagwons, and indeed, I've never had any of the issues one usually has. Other than my deep unhappiness and nonstop anxiety. The only other time I had anxiety like this was an AWFUL job I had for just 6 months before I worked at MSI. Yet another reason that I leaned on this being less about my culture shock and more about this just not being the place for me.
Hetty was extremely nice. I thought surely she might have had an inkling, but she was very surprised, and said she was very said. I did not give her the letter I'd written, though I did reiterate what I did in the letter, which was devoted to saving face. She said that she knew I was giving the 3 months' notice, but would I be ok if I left by the end of this month/start of April? That was NOT my plan, but it does save me from another 3 months of this.
I am THINKING, though didn't broach it directly because Hetty needed to talk to Anna, the VP, as she's in charge of teachers, that I may be able to get my letter of release, which makes it A LOT easier to apply elsewhere. And would mean I won't have to fly back home for 9 months to wait out the expiration of my ARC card (thereby making a couple people very sad that I would be an alien no longer, lol). But she was so nice and reasonable that I am not worried.
In fact, it went so well I had decided that it really WAS all culture shock and I'd just quit a perfectly good hagwon. Thankfully, I met up with one of the really awesome women who reached out to me when I cast around on facebook for a lifeline amidst all this. Particularly due to the American teachers, the fact that it is truly, truly painful to go through ownership change at a hagwon, and that on top of culture shock anyway, and once I told Dani about where my anxiety is, she said SOMETHING there is toxic, or toxic for me, and I definitely needed to get out. That there are plenty of jobs here that WON'T require me to simmer in my own cortisol and adrenaline for months at a time. No job is worth that sort of hit on quality of life.
I've felt calm ever since, even while I was worrying right afterward that I'd definitely made the wrong decision. Could also be just meeting a new, likable person who tells you you didn't get it wrong. So we'll see how I feel tomorrow. Of course, moving on to a new place when I know right now that I canNOT complete another 9 months here, never mind take on a whole new 12 months lease, isn't awesome. But who knows? I might actually get an apartment that's wider than I am tall!
Friday, March 11, 2016
Maybe it's time to settle into uncertainty!
I remain on the fence about I guess when I'll leave this job: after 6 months, or the still-almost-impossible finish out my contract. Especially with this new schedule we'll start on Monday, where I'll actually have MORE time with Elmo class, with the added nightmare of having them plus another class at the same time for this new book which I'm the main teacher of and not liking or comfortable with.
Really the only thing that I know I hate that is particular to this school is that I hate working with the class that I'm the homeroom teacher of. Plus being stuck there for 10 hours/day 2-3 times a week. The rest of it is all part of teaching in Korea and what it'll take time and getting over the culture shock to determine if I can live with it or not.
Can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post, but other than China, this is my first time dealing with culture shock, so I don't know what to expect, not only in terms of how long it takes me to adjust, but also how I in particular react to and process it. It's a bit frustrating not knowing this about myself at this point in my life. On Friday I talked to Sara, the other native teacher at my school about her feelings on it. I've seen her really struggling this week: that she's no longer homeroom teacher for Nemo class; that Kiara was given her homeroom assignments several days before her and me (though I was functioning under the now-confirmed assumption that Elmo is still my unique problem); the complete lack of preparation, predictability, very-last minute back-and-forth changes and mistakes in our schedules, and being told that we had 1 day to finish decorating our classrooms, even when we had no idea what classes were definitely ours yet. Sara mentioned to Kiara how unfair she thought it was that she got to know what we didn't, which is when Kiara told her that it's probably due to the fact that no one takes her seriously at the school since she doesn't seem to take her job seriously. On the one hand, I like that Kiara tells you her honest opinion, because there are times you want to know and be prepared for the bad/worst. But there's still the part of me that thinks, but you just don't say things that bluntly! Naturally, Sara was pretty unhappy to hear all of that.
When I talked to her, I asked her about her thoughts on leaving. She said she's thought about it often, though another complication she mentioned that no one else has is that prospective schools will want to speak to the school you're leaving. (Other teachers have said just tell the recruiter you don't want new schools speaking to your old one and have them run interference). She mentioned that June, the old owner, she particularly didn't like. She said it took her... pretty much the whole 6-8 months she's been here to adjust. The last thing she said before we had to stop talking because a Korean teacher came in is that it was interesting I was asking her about quitting now.
This weekend I went up to Seoul and had lunch with Lisa, who's Korean-American. She said her culture shock and adjustment was probably a year, and there are still a few things, 2 years later, that she still hasn't accepted.
So ultimately I have a lonnnnnnng road ahead of me. Having to keep feeling aggravated, panicked, frustrated, anxious over the long term is SO not what I want or necessarily know I can accept.
Interestingly, what it all boils down to is that the worst the school can do is fire me, which would almost certainly be a relief (and might very well mean I'd have no problems getting that wretched letter of release). However, with only 3 native teachers, I highly doubt I DO have to worry about that. Which means WHY the fuck should I worry? And yet, I still do.
However, the reasons for my knowing I'll be at the school for 6 months are increasing, practically by the day:
1. Need to give myself at least that amount of time to process and deal with SOME of the culture shock;
2. My brother-in-law's powerfully convincing argument that I should stay and get tougher, a la Nietzsche.
3. My contract's 3 month notice, and I didn't give my notice on Friday, which would have had me leaving in June.
4. MONEY. I need to save money to get home, pay off some of my debts, and hopefully/eventually put some aside. Accomplishing large debt relief will take more than 6 months; having a cushion an additional 6 months. Plus IF I can manage to stay for the full year at this particular fuck show, I get a month's severance upon contract completion.
5. A new and unexpected reason!
I have new shit to report! First, I finally became a human being again with massive, MASSIVE thanks to Lisa my translator by FINALLY GETTING A SIM CARD AND PHONE PLAN! Interesting little twist that anyone who has ever lived abroad will recognize as one of those scratching-my-head, wtf moments. There are 2 main providers, Olleh and SK. Their stores are everywhere, big, open all the time. I see a bit more Olleh so, believe it or not, was planning on going with them for just that reason (I pass at least 3-4 of their stores on my way to work, including 2 next to work). There was an Olleh store by Lisa's place that was a bit more prominent than the SK store, so I wanted to try there first. Lisa started talking, and we were both shocked to learn from the sales guy that they would be unable to activate the card and everything until Monday. Uhhhh, what? Why the fuck would that be the case? Why even be open on a Saturday all day if you can't do anything? He said it was policy there and anywhere we went around there would tell us the same. We asked if we could do the paperwork and everything today and they could activate Monday, and were told that no, they couldn't do that either.
I was pretty crestfallen, because I had had getting the SIM this weekend as my main thing-to-accomplish. After we left, Lisa asked if we should go ahead and check with SK. I said why not, it'll take 10 seconds to ask, so if this is some sort of fucked-up law or policy, it won't suck any time out of our day.
And thankfully this was no problem for this store. So it's either Olleh or, more likely, the guy didn't feel like doing his job, and/or didn't want to do anything for a foreigner. I was a bit worried that my phone definitely was unlocked as I'd been told the iPhone 5s is when I was in Chicago, so was stressing that after everything it wouldn't work, but it did. I no longer have to stare at "no service" next to the signal; can get and make phone calls and texts; and can have access to the internet when there's no wifi!! GLORIOUS!
And now the other thing that brought me to Seoul on Saturday, and the new and expected reason that was #5 in my reasons to stay. A few weeks ago when I went on the odyssey to get my thyroid prescription, the doctor decided to test my levels, and today was when we'd see the results. Because my Thyroid Stimulating Hormone levels were so high when we discovered I have Hashimoto's, my endocrinologist back in the US was pretty sure my thyroid was dead. That was reason enough for me to say, yeah, sure, let's test my levels, but they likely won't be changing because there's no thyroid left to die.
Turns out we were wrong, because I was hypo again! Normal is between .3 and 4 (I THINK!), and I was up near 10. So I was prescribed 200 micrograms, the next level up from 150 (the equivalent to the 137 of the form I took in the US and Chile). It takes about 3 months (that time frame just keeps coming up for me!) for the body to adjust to the new level and to see if it's enough or not. So I go back in 3 months to get my blood tested at the new level and see if it's enough. Suffice it to say, I need to stay here (in Korea at least) where it's actually possible to afford all this medical care. I'm actually still waiting on my national insurance card (which I anticipate getting in the next week or 2), so still had to pay for the doc visit today, which cost all of $40. 3 months' of my meds was another $25. No way I'm risking getting my ass sent back to the US at this point!
Oh, and, most of you have already been schooled on the great fun and long list of hypothyroidism symptoms, but among them? Anxiety, stress, and depression. So it is entirely possible (and quite frankly my hope) that a bit/lot of my anxiety attacks is due to being hypo- again.
Well kids, that's enough out of me for the moment. I have to say, thanks to this dilemma no one can accuse of me being too lax/busy to be posting and updating the blog. Naturally most of you will be playing catch-up since I waited a bit to remind you to check the fuck in on facebook, lol. So have fun with the reading, certainly more fun than I'm having!
Really the only thing that I know I hate that is particular to this school is that I hate working with the class that I'm the homeroom teacher of. Plus being stuck there for 10 hours/day 2-3 times a week. The rest of it is all part of teaching in Korea and what it'll take time and getting over the culture shock to determine if I can live with it or not.
Can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post, but other than China, this is my first time dealing with culture shock, so I don't know what to expect, not only in terms of how long it takes me to adjust, but also how I in particular react to and process it. It's a bit frustrating not knowing this about myself at this point in my life. On Friday I talked to Sara, the other native teacher at my school about her feelings on it. I've seen her really struggling this week: that she's no longer homeroom teacher for Nemo class; that Kiara was given her homeroom assignments several days before her and me (though I was functioning under the now-confirmed assumption that Elmo is still my unique problem); the complete lack of preparation, predictability, very-last minute back-and-forth changes and mistakes in our schedules, and being told that we had 1 day to finish decorating our classrooms, even when we had no idea what classes were definitely ours yet. Sara mentioned to Kiara how unfair she thought it was that she got to know what we didn't, which is when Kiara told her that it's probably due to the fact that no one takes her seriously at the school since she doesn't seem to take her job seriously. On the one hand, I like that Kiara tells you her honest opinion, because there are times you want to know and be prepared for the bad/worst. But there's still the part of me that thinks, but you just don't say things that bluntly! Naturally, Sara was pretty unhappy to hear all of that.
When I talked to her, I asked her about her thoughts on leaving. She said she's thought about it often, though another complication she mentioned that no one else has is that prospective schools will want to speak to the school you're leaving. (Other teachers have said just tell the recruiter you don't want new schools speaking to your old one and have them run interference). She mentioned that June, the old owner, she particularly didn't like. She said it took her... pretty much the whole 6-8 months she's been here to adjust. The last thing she said before we had to stop talking because a Korean teacher came in is that it was interesting I was asking her about quitting now.
This weekend I went up to Seoul and had lunch with Lisa, who's Korean-American. She said her culture shock and adjustment was probably a year, and there are still a few things, 2 years later, that she still hasn't accepted.
So ultimately I have a lonnnnnnng road ahead of me. Having to keep feeling aggravated, panicked, frustrated, anxious over the long term is SO not what I want or necessarily know I can accept.
Interestingly, what it all boils down to is that the worst the school can do is fire me, which would almost certainly be a relief (and might very well mean I'd have no problems getting that wretched letter of release). However, with only 3 native teachers, I highly doubt I DO have to worry about that. Which means WHY the fuck should I worry? And yet, I still do.
However, the reasons for my knowing I'll be at the school for 6 months are increasing, practically by the day:
1. Need to give myself at least that amount of time to process and deal with SOME of the culture shock;
2. My brother-in-law's powerfully convincing argument that I should stay and get tougher, a la Nietzsche.
3. My contract's 3 month notice, and I didn't give my notice on Friday, which would have had me leaving in June.
4. MONEY. I need to save money to get home, pay off some of my debts, and hopefully/eventually put some aside. Accomplishing large debt relief will take more than 6 months; having a cushion an additional 6 months. Plus IF I can manage to stay for the full year at this particular fuck show, I get a month's severance upon contract completion.
5. A new and unexpected reason!
I have new shit to report! First, I finally became a human being again with massive, MASSIVE thanks to Lisa my translator by FINALLY GETTING A SIM CARD AND PHONE PLAN! Interesting little twist that anyone who has ever lived abroad will recognize as one of those scratching-my-head, wtf moments. There are 2 main providers, Olleh and SK. Their stores are everywhere, big, open all the time. I see a bit more Olleh so, believe it or not, was planning on going with them for just that reason (I pass at least 3-4 of their stores on my way to work, including 2 next to work). There was an Olleh store by Lisa's place that was a bit more prominent than the SK store, so I wanted to try there first. Lisa started talking, and we were both shocked to learn from the sales guy that they would be unable to activate the card and everything until Monday. Uhhhh, what? Why the fuck would that be the case? Why even be open on a Saturday all day if you can't do anything? He said it was policy there and anywhere we went around there would tell us the same. We asked if we could do the paperwork and everything today and they could activate Monday, and were told that no, they couldn't do that either.
I was pretty crestfallen, because I had had getting the SIM this weekend as my main thing-to-accomplish. After we left, Lisa asked if we should go ahead and check with SK. I said why not, it'll take 10 seconds to ask, so if this is some sort of fucked-up law or policy, it won't suck any time out of our day.
And thankfully this was no problem for this store. So it's either Olleh or, more likely, the guy didn't feel like doing his job, and/or didn't want to do anything for a foreigner. I was a bit worried that my phone definitely was unlocked as I'd been told the iPhone 5s is when I was in Chicago, so was stressing that after everything it wouldn't work, but it did. I no longer have to stare at "no service" next to the signal; can get and make phone calls and texts; and can have access to the internet when there's no wifi!! GLORIOUS!
And now the other thing that brought me to Seoul on Saturday, and the new and expected reason that was #5 in my reasons to stay. A few weeks ago when I went on the odyssey to get my thyroid prescription, the doctor decided to test my levels, and today was when we'd see the results. Because my Thyroid Stimulating Hormone levels were so high when we discovered I have Hashimoto's, my endocrinologist back in the US was pretty sure my thyroid was dead. That was reason enough for me to say, yeah, sure, let's test my levels, but they likely won't be changing because there's no thyroid left to die.
Turns out we were wrong, because I was hypo again! Normal is between .3 and 4 (I THINK!), and I was up near 10. So I was prescribed 200 micrograms, the next level up from 150 (the equivalent to the 137 of the form I took in the US and Chile). It takes about 3 months (that time frame just keeps coming up for me!) for the body to adjust to the new level and to see if it's enough or not. So I go back in 3 months to get my blood tested at the new level and see if it's enough. Suffice it to say, I need to stay here (in Korea at least) where it's actually possible to afford all this medical care. I'm actually still waiting on my national insurance card (which I anticipate getting in the next week or 2), so still had to pay for the doc visit today, which cost all of $40. 3 months' of my meds was another $25. No way I'm risking getting my ass sent back to the US at this point!
Oh, and, most of you have already been schooled on the great fun and long list of hypothyroidism symptoms, but among them? Anxiety, stress, and depression. So it is entirely possible (and quite frankly my hope) that a bit/lot of my anxiety attacks is due to being hypo- again.
Well kids, that's enough out of me for the moment. I have to say, thanks to this dilemma no one can accuse of me being too lax/busy to be posting and updating the blog. Naturally most of you will be playing catch-up since I waited a bit to remind you to check the fuck in on facebook, lol. So have fun with the reading, certainly more fun than I'm having!
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