but I've been meaning to update for the public record for a while.
Interestingly, thanks to Jason (of course) & somewhat surprisingly mom's take on what happened with the whole drunk texting the guy I was seeing, they seemed to think he wasn't all that interested & it wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway. Such sound reasoning I felt they were absolutely right & that was extremely helpful in getting me to move on.
& while I was sure I didn't really have an alcohol problem as in alcoholism, I still wanted to make sure I wasn't just in denial, which mom helped with too (having been married to one, I trusted her to confirm my own thoughts). Still sticking to the no alcohol, & then what the hell, threw sugar in there too so I'm now doing the Whole 30 again. I'm not strict because ANY added sugar is forbidden, like the kind in cured bacon. I don't have access to uncured here, so I'm not worrying about that. Otherwise, I'm 2 weeks into Whole 30, & it hasn't been as bad as I thought. Not drinking I knew wouldn't be a problem, & of course it hasn't, no temptations to break it even when I go out with friends.The sugar part I was more worried about, but since you can have fruit (turns out in moderation, which not sure last weekend completely qualified as), that hasn't been bad, either. I ended up finally breaking down & buying a blender, so fruit smoothies is my new thing. I'm doing 2 months because I also don't want my body to completely adjust to no alcohol & start freaking out when I reintroduce it.
The only real hitch in everything has been the SEVERE breakout of my skin. It really started just before that drunken Saturday, but it went into HYPER DRIVE that week. @ first I wondered if the alcohol, contrary to rosacea law, was actually helping CONTROL my rosacea. But then I was investigating some herbal recommendations for SIBO which you may recall just keeps recurring, & I read about the Herxheimer Reaction, when your symptoms get worse before they get better. Or as most would put it, the body detoxing. Honestly, I can't believe I drank THAT much (or that I came close to having THAT MUCH sugar) that my body would freak out by their removal, but that's my thinking. I saw my doctor last week & she just said, "You need to see a dermatologist," but I decided to wait it out & see if it's that reaction, rather than something else. Besides, they're just likely to throw more antibiotics at it, which I don't want & was getting less effective anyway before I stopped going to see them because going paleo worked so well. Of course it's rainy season so the air's been a bit cleaner here or there-- funnily enough, even with my air purifier never being turned off, my skin seems to sense the AQI is good & just calms down. I so can't wait to not deal with this shit anymore.
The other update is I decided to wait on getting certified to teach in the US, & go get my Masters in Europe first. I'd hope to start by winter 2019/2020, so pretty quickly after leaving Korea next June. Despite my big reservations about it, Germany's still in there, though I wrote to a good university in Spain & got information on their program. The only problem with that one is, it's only 60 hours, when most are 120. Not sure if that would be as helpful. Plus French & German universities have stronger reputations. But still investigating options. Need to narrow down the country first. I really just wanted to get there before I got even older, & also because as so many expats here say, I have ZERO intention of returning to the US as long as that horrid, repugnant orange imbecile is still in power. Though now that Kennedy has retired so Trump can put his second Supreme Court nominee in there, fuck the US, it's fucking over. If they get a chance to overturn Roe v Wade, I'll renounce my citizenship to that sinking ship in whatever way I can.
So that's where things stand now. That & I'm thinking of using whatever pitiful money I have left each month to just spend on some plane tickets so I can get to one or 2 more places here before I leave. There's a whole other thing with immigration slightly stressing me out, but can't do anything about it really now, so that'll wait. We'll see how things turn out.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Sunday, June 10, 2018
The crumbled cookie and crying over spilled vodka
Well, I didn't foresee ME being the one who'd pull the plug on what seemed like a good thing with a guy, but here we are.
Thanks to my Olympian drinking match on Saturday, apparently after all the alcohol hit me late & rendered the night black-out, I called the guy (no idea if we really even talked), & more alarmingly & outrageously, sent a text that said, "I am suicidal." Well that's utter malarkey, but understandably the recipient now thinks I'm a lunatic alcoholic & doesn't want to see me again.
So I'm naturally really upset with myself, but also working on forgiving myself while finding all sorts of justifications for why this whole thing wasn't going to work anyway.
I decided, based on this, plus the fact that I get black-out drink several times a year (plus remembering that I suspect my drinking is also the reason another guy cut contact after a date a while ago), I decided I clearly need to give up drinking, at least for a while, if not permanently. Plus, coincidentally Jesse the fitness guy posted a 30 day challenge I still would REALLY struggle with monumentally: 30 days without wheat (EAAAAASY, lol), alcohol (I've given it up several times before for different reasons, so while I hate doing it, I know I can), and sugar, which is the real kicker for me. I don't have a giant sweet tooth, but when I know I can't have something I'm desperate to eat it all the time (at least for a while). I told the guy that I was going to give up alcohol after this, but he said he'd heard that before (wow, sounds like a not-great history) & thought there must be too many other issues buttressing all of this. Understandable. He almost certainly thought I was telling him I was giving up drinking b/c it's what addicts say, then don't; that it's what I thought he wanted to hear; and that I was doing it for him. This incident with him was definitely the catalyst, but it's definitely something I decided I need to do for myself, for reasons stated above. Things being at the VERRRRRY beginning, I understand why he thinks what he does (though my first thought was, "Dude, I can give up wheat and rice in Asia, & you think I can't give up ALCOHOL? LOLOLOLOL."). But it's still upsetting for me that ONE mistake & everything's done. That pisses me off, though as I said, of course when it's super early this is a completely natural & understandable reaction. But yes, I'm still upset since the possibility of me finding a guy I can date comes along once every 5-10 years, & I had a good feeling about him. Mostly. I'm still an anxious mess waiting for the guy to just drop off the Earth for no reason. Plus he's possibly farther than the 2 US bases for the time being. Weekends were the only possibility for seeing each other due to my schedule, & sure, the guy's going to have a life, but he's never suggested when we COULD see each other again. Just bought a bike & is planning a biking & camping trip, so there goes another weekend. So I had been thinking, "When WILL we see each other again, exactly?"
Now I know from past experience I say complete nonsense when I'm super drunk. But as I was texting another friend, I realized there was another VERY likely culprit, and I've mentioned it here before: my phone's insane autocorrecting. What it suggests when you're typing can be amazingly uncommon & nonsensical. It does it NONSTOP, & will substitute the WRONG word after I select the suggestion I want. It will put the autocorrected word back in when I delete its nonsense & retype, & I'm terrible about reading texts back through before sending out. It also doesn't learn my typing & most-commonly used words. So there's actually a VERY good chance that my autocorrect struck again.
But whatever the case is, I'm sad that I fucked things up, but resolute either way. Definitely won't hurt: while I'm not able to do the full Autoimmune paleo here, if ever, to really give my gut time to recover (& I'm just not that strict: I still have a little kimchi at dinner & can't resist at least a bowl of kimchi stew when Sue makes it, & think there's wheat in the chili paste), but going off alcohol will help with the whole leaky gut thing. Plus I'll likely be able to trim off a little weight, which is a nice added bonus, though we'll see-- my body is very resistant to trimming down, especially since I've only got around 5-10 lb I want to take off-- the hardest weight to lose. It can't hurt.
Thanks to my Olympian drinking match on Saturday, apparently after all the alcohol hit me late & rendered the night black-out, I called the guy (no idea if we really even talked), & more alarmingly & outrageously, sent a text that said, "I am suicidal." Well that's utter malarkey, but understandably the recipient now thinks I'm a lunatic alcoholic & doesn't want to see me again.
So I'm naturally really upset with myself, but also working on forgiving myself while finding all sorts of justifications for why this whole thing wasn't going to work anyway.
I decided, based on this, plus the fact that I get black-out drink several times a year (plus remembering that I suspect my drinking is also the reason another guy cut contact after a date a while ago), I decided I clearly need to give up drinking, at least for a while, if not permanently. Plus, coincidentally Jesse the fitness guy posted a 30 day challenge I still would REALLY struggle with monumentally: 30 days without wheat (EAAAAASY, lol), alcohol (I've given it up several times before for different reasons, so while I hate doing it, I know I can), and sugar, which is the real kicker for me. I don't have a giant sweet tooth, but when I know I can't have something I'm desperate to eat it all the time (at least for a while). I told the guy that I was going to give up alcohol after this, but he said he'd heard that before (wow, sounds like a not-great history) & thought there must be too many other issues buttressing all of this. Understandable. He almost certainly thought I was telling him I was giving up drinking b/c it's what addicts say, then don't; that it's what I thought he wanted to hear; and that I was doing it for him. This incident with him was definitely the catalyst, but it's definitely something I decided I need to do for myself, for reasons stated above. Things being at the VERRRRRY beginning, I understand why he thinks what he does (though my first thought was, "Dude, I can give up wheat and rice in Asia, & you think I can't give up ALCOHOL? LOLOLOLOL."). But it's still upsetting for me that ONE mistake & everything's done. That pisses me off, though as I said, of course when it's super early this is a completely natural & understandable reaction. But yes, I'm still upset since the possibility of me finding a guy I can date comes along once every 5-10 years, & I had a good feeling about him. Mostly. I'm still an anxious mess waiting for the guy to just drop off the Earth for no reason. Plus he's possibly farther than the 2 US bases for the time being. Weekends were the only possibility for seeing each other due to my schedule, & sure, the guy's going to have a life, but he's never suggested when we COULD see each other again. Just bought a bike & is planning a biking & camping trip, so there goes another weekend. So I had been thinking, "When WILL we see each other again, exactly?"
Now I know from past experience I say complete nonsense when I'm super drunk. But as I was texting another friend, I realized there was another VERY likely culprit, and I've mentioned it here before: my phone's insane autocorrecting. What it suggests when you're typing can be amazingly uncommon & nonsensical. It does it NONSTOP, & will substitute the WRONG word after I select the suggestion I want. It will put the autocorrected word back in when I delete its nonsense & retype, & I'm terrible about reading texts back through before sending out. It also doesn't learn my typing & most-commonly used words. So there's actually a VERY good chance that my autocorrect struck again.
But whatever the case is, I'm sad that I fucked things up, but resolute either way. Definitely won't hurt: while I'm not able to do the full Autoimmune paleo here, if ever, to really give my gut time to recover (& I'm just not that strict: I still have a little kimchi at dinner & can't resist at least a bowl of kimchi stew when Sue makes it, & think there's wheat in the chili paste), but going off alcohol will help with the whole leaky gut thing. Plus I'll likely be able to trim off a little weight, which is a nice added bonus, though we'll see-- my body is very resistant to trimming down, especially since I've only got around 5-10 lb I want to take off-- the hardest weight to lose. It can't hurt.
Thursday, June 7, 2018
Randomness while I hopefully avoid another topic
I just read about ways to work around the Schengen Zone visa limits and/or get visas that will let a US citizen stay. I was heartened to find a few countries have freelancer visas, though naturally the ONE country that's most open AND will let a non-citizen use their insurance is Germany. I just so strongly doubt I would like Germany. Other than a couple female friends from there whom I liked, the men in particular seem to have zero sense of humor & personality. Trying to get a dialogue going with them on tinder, for example, is really just my functioning as interviewer, where they seem to think I am hungry for whatever information they will give me that I ask, but have zero awareness or interest in asking me any questions/getting to know me. Naturally, as they all do, these conversations end quickly, which is what I want, since I've found that not only have I not wanted to date (and definitely not go with the FWB/hook-ups 90% of guys are looking for), but there isn't anyone for me to date (especially due to what 90% are looking for).
In any event, to apply for any of the freelance visas in various countries, you still have to have a certain amount of savings on top of proof of employment, the more the better. And given that it's impossible for me to save on what I make here, I definitely need to get some side work going. Which is why you may wonder, as I do, why I can't make myself work on my resume, or look for jobs. No, instead, I'm taking 2 courses, one on happiness (the famed Yale one, which you can take on Coursera), and one on World Literature from Harvard on EdX. The latter requires extra reading, so now I'm reading the Odyssey slowly (the translation I have that's free online isn't all that poetic, certainly not as rich & enjoyable as I remember the Iliad being). Though I also know that a few of the problems I have with doing extra remote work is, first, I'd need part time, which I just haven't seen. I'd need one with flexibility in how much work I can do for them when I leave Korea, plus access to some healthcare when I go back to the US to get certified to teach. & then there's doing my taxes as a freelancer, which just sounds like a giant pain in the neck. Yet, all of this needs to be worked out so I can finally live in Europe, hate it like I hate every other place I've lived, & turn into a US-only hermit like Jason (though he still keeps taking trips to Latin America, which is a sickness as far as I'm concerned). And all of it gives me anxiety, particularly the part about leaving the awesome healthcare and system here (even if I need it more because the country itself makes me sicker).
But we'll leave that constant background mess to discuss my other issues with dating, which is making mountains out of the RARE molehills that come up once every 5-10 years. By which I mean, well here I haven't been dating at all, but in the past, getting a second date was a rare enough occurrence that it always became a big deal to me, never mind how much bigger it was to me than the guy and the random normal person who knows such things definitely aren't big deals. But when you go decades with that being rare, it kind of IS. So that when there isn't a third date or whatever, it hits me hard because the guy who even wants a second date is something of a unicorn, so I always feel like I have to try to make whatever comes along work, & I know it'll be years before I get that far again. When a guy keeps texting me daily & isn't an asshole for a whole week (!!!!!!), it's insignificant & not worth mentioning at all.. except for me, since this has happened... 2 times? 3? Victor being one of those times. & that lasted all of 3 months, one of those months also being me not pulling the plug when I knew I had to. Psychologically I've determined it all comes down to my wanting the male approval I got the opposite of in 6th grade in particular. If only knowing shit changed your behavior & beliefs!
Got guilted by Jesse, my friend who's a personal trainer. Well I guilted myself, really, because he assumed I was using a foam roller, but I'm not, primarily because I hate doing it, but also because shit's so damned expensive here, I expected to be charged nothing less than 50,000 won. I knew I should be doing it, especially with how sore & knotted up my muscles get, so I decided I'd get one if it wasn't 50k. Turns out it was only 25-30. This week was a LOONNNNNNNNNGG OVERDUE recovery week, & I decided foam rolling would be a good thing to do. & it is... if you have some smidgen of an idea what you're doing. Clearly I don't because I spent 1.5 hours doing my upper body, one hour on lower, in lots of pain, & then saw that I actually have bruises on my back & legs from it. So I guess I went a bit too hard? HOW did I go a bit too hard? Maybe it's because I got the evil textured one, which I've never had before. In any event, I'm bruised from my recovery week. Seems about right.
Finally, Ashling, the girl I replaced, will be in Korea for a few nights. I only knew that, nothing more. Anna told Dylan they'd all go out with her one Friday night, he thinks the end of June. She asked Dylan if he thought I'd go given I can't eat shit. He said probably, he didn't know, but she should ask me, though can't figure out why he's invited b/c he never met her. I'm not surprised that my special snowflake diet is resulting in a dilemma, but still, to not invite me AT ALL? Apparently they're unaware that I'll go places where I can't eat anything sometimes, I just need advance notice so I can bring extra food or something. Ohhhh, Korea. Sigh.
So those are my current ramblings. Plenty for me to stress about & keep me busy, yet not enough for me to forge ahead and make any much-needed headway for my future plans.
In any event, to apply for any of the freelance visas in various countries, you still have to have a certain amount of savings on top of proof of employment, the more the better. And given that it's impossible for me to save on what I make here, I definitely need to get some side work going. Which is why you may wonder, as I do, why I can't make myself work on my resume, or look for jobs. No, instead, I'm taking 2 courses, one on happiness (the famed Yale one, which you can take on Coursera), and one on World Literature from Harvard on EdX. The latter requires extra reading, so now I'm reading the Odyssey slowly (the translation I have that's free online isn't all that poetic, certainly not as rich & enjoyable as I remember the Iliad being). Though I also know that a few of the problems I have with doing extra remote work is, first, I'd need part time, which I just haven't seen. I'd need one with flexibility in how much work I can do for them when I leave Korea, plus access to some healthcare when I go back to the US to get certified to teach. & then there's doing my taxes as a freelancer, which just sounds like a giant pain in the neck. Yet, all of this needs to be worked out so I can finally live in Europe, hate it like I hate every other place I've lived, & turn into a US-only hermit like Jason (though he still keeps taking trips to Latin America, which is a sickness as far as I'm concerned). And all of it gives me anxiety, particularly the part about leaving the awesome healthcare and system here (even if I need it more because the country itself makes me sicker).
But we'll leave that constant background mess to discuss my other issues with dating, which is making mountains out of the RARE molehills that come up once every 5-10 years. By which I mean, well here I haven't been dating at all, but in the past, getting a second date was a rare enough occurrence that it always became a big deal to me, never mind how much bigger it was to me than the guy and the random normal person who knows such things definitely aren't big deals. But when you go decades with that being rare, it kind of IS. So that when there isn't a third date or whatever, it hits me hard because the guy who even wants a second date is something of a unicorn, so I always feel like I have to try to make whatever comes along work, & I know it'll be years before I get that far again. When a guy keeps texting me daily & isn't an asshole for a whole week (!!!!!!), it's insignificant & not worth mentioning at all.. except for me, since this has happened... 2 times? 3? Victor being one of those times. & that lasted all of 3 months, one of those months also being me not pulling the plug when I knew I had to. Psychologically I've determined it all comes down to my wanting the male approval I got the opposite of in 6th grade in particular. If only knowing shit changed your behavior & beliefs!
Got guilted by Jesse, my friend who's a personal trainer. Well I guilted myself, really, because he assumed I was using a foam roller, but I'm not, primarily because I hate doing it, but also because shit's so damned expensive here, I expected to be charged nothing less than 50,000 won. I knew I should be doing it, especially with how sore & knotted up my muscles get, so I decided I'd get one if it wasn't 50k. Turns out it was only 25-30. This week was a LOONNNNNNNNNGG OVERDUE recovery week, & I decided foam rolling would be a good thing to do. & it is... if you have some smidgen of an idea what you're doing. Clearly I don't because I spent 1.5 hours doing my upper body, one hour on lower, in lots of pain, & then saw that I actually have bruises on my back & legs from it. So I guess I went a bit too hard? HOW did I go a bit too hard? Maybe it's because I got the evil textured one, which I've never had before. In any event, I'm bruised from my recovery week. Seems about right.
Finally, Ashling, the girl I replaced, will be in Korea for a few nights. I only knew that, nothing more. Anna told Dylan they'd all go out with her one Friday night, he thinks the end of June. She asked Dylan if he thought I'd go given I can't eat shit. He said probably, he didn't know, but she should ask me, though can't figure out why he's invited b/c he never met her. I'm not surprised that my special snowflake diet is resulting in a dilemma, but still, to not invite me AT ALL? Apparently they're unaware that I'll go places where I can't eat anything sometimes, I just need advance notice so I can bring extra food or something. Ohhhh, Korea. Sigh.
So those are my current ramblings. Plenty for me to stress about & keep me busy, yet not enough for me to forge ahead and make any much-needed headway for my future plans.
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