Today is the 11th of July, so 30 days no alcohol (which has really been easy), & really only the 3 week mark or so of no sugar, but I'm still ending the sugar-free part tomorrow.
My skin just kept getting worse. I gave up eggs & nuts since they're often triggers for autoimmune, but my skin didn't give 2 shits. I've FINALLY started calming it down a bit by breaking open the cyst that always forms to the left of my nose, plus some other pustules with the tip of a safety pin, then slathering tea tree oil, apple cider vinegar, Manuka honey & turmeric on them, which I leave on at night. It's messy, but it's helping a tiny bit. Last night added more anti-inflammatory fire power by mixing 2 tbsp turmeric & black pepper with 1 tbsp coconut oil & 2 tbsp of apple cider vinegar with the MOTHER, & eating a whole chunk of ginger, skin & all. It's unpleasant, but it's sort of calming things down, little by little. I'm going to see a dermatologist on Friday, but they didn't help much last time & I had to figure it out for myself, so assuming that will be the case this time as well.
Except that I'm out of ideas! Maybe it's the chocolate that I'm suddenly allergic to (I've been mixing cocoa powder with frozen fruit since fruit's the only sweet thing I'm allowed, which of course I O.D. on when I get home b/c my sweet tooth has gone unanswered all day. Usually a little candy & I'm good for the day, but now I'm just crave-crazy when I get home, so the no sugar has done shit to help me lose weight). Maybe it's broccoli or chicken? I'd say impossible, no one's allergic to them, but no one's allergic/sensitive to rice except me!
Jason said since my skin's a mess, stress contributes & God knows restricted diets are stressful, I should just fuck it & eat what I want, even ditching paleo. But I like that I eat SO many veggies in a day. Still, I'm considering it because at this point, I have no idea what the issue is, but I'm tired of fighting. My entire life revolves around eating a super persnickety diet just so my skin would stay ok. & now it's not, so why bother?
I'll stick with the no alcohol til August 11th, even though I'd love a glass of wine, especially after Sunday meal prep, that was always my reward. More later, should there be news.
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
Thursday, June 28, 2018
The news made me almost too depressed to write,
but I've been meaning to update for the public record for a while.
Interestingly, thanks to Jason (of course) & somewhat surprisingly mom's take on what happened with the whole drunk texting the guy I was seeing, they seemed to think he wasn't all that interested & it wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway. Such sound reasoning I felt they were absolutely right & that was extremely helpful in getting me to move on.
& while I was sure I didn't really have an alcohol problem as in alcoholism, I still wanted to make sure I wasn't just in denial, which mom helped with too (having been married to one, I trusted her to confirm my own thoughts). Still sticking to the no alcohol, & then what the hell, threw sugar in there too so I'm now doing the Whole 30 again. I'm not strict because ANY added sugar is forbidden, like the kind in cured bacon. I don't have access to uncured here, so I'm not worrying about that. Otherwise, I'm 2 weeks into Whole 30, & it hasn't been as bad as I thought. Not drinking I knew wouldn't be a problem, & of course it hasn't, no temptations to break it even when I go out with friends.The sugar part I was more worried about, but since you can have fruit (turns out in moderation, which not sure last weekend completely qualified as), that hasn't been bad, either. I ended up finally breaking down & buying a blender, so fruit smoothies is my new thing. I'm doing 2 months because I also don't want my body to completely adjust to no alcohol & start freaking out when I reintroduce it.
The only real hitch in everything has been the SEVERE breakout of my skin. It really started just before that drunken Saturday, but it went into HYPER DRIVE that week. @ first I wondered if the alcohol, contrary to rosacea law, was actually helping CONTROL my rosacea. But then I was investigating some herbal recommendations for SIBO which you may recall just keeps recurring, & I read about the Herxheimer Reaction, when your symptoms get worse before they get better. Or as most would put it, the body detoxing. Honestly, I can't believe I drank THAT much (or that I came close to having THAT MUCH sugar) that my body would freak out by their removal, but that's my thinking. I saw my doctor last week & she just said, "You need to see a dermatologist," but I decided to wait it out & see if it's that reaction, rather than something else. Besides, they're just likely to throw more antibiotics at it, which I don't want & was getting less effective anyway before I stopped going to see them because going paleo worked so well. Of course it's rainy season so the air's been a bit cleaner here or there-- funnily enough, even with my air purifier never being turned off, my skin seems to sense the AQI is good & just calms down. I so can't wait to not deal with this shit anymore.
The other update is I decided to wait on getting certified to teach in the US, & go get my Masters in Europe first. I'd hope to start by winter 2019/2020, so pretty quickly after leaving Korea next June. Despite my big reservations about it, Germany's still in there, though I wrote to a good university in Spain & got information on their program. The only problem with that one is, it's only 60 hours, when most are 120. Not sure if that would be as helpful. Plus French & German universities have stronger reputations. But still investigating options. Need to narrow down the country first. I really just wanted to get there before I got even older, & also because as so many expats here say, I have ZERO intention of returning to the US as long as that horrid, repugnant orange imbecile is still in power. Though now that Kennedy has retired so Trump can put his second Supreme Court nominee in there, fuck the US, it's fucking over. If they get a chance to overturn Roe v Wade, I'll renounce my citizenship to that sinking ship in whatever way I can.
So that's where things stand now. That & I'm thinking of using whatever pitiful money I have left each month to just spend on some plane tickets so I can get to one or 2 more places here before I leave. There's a whole other thing with immigration slightly stressing me out, but can't do anything about it really now, so that'll wait. We'll see how things turn out.
Interestingly, thanks to Jason (of course) & somewhat surprisingly mom's take on what happened with the whole drunk texting the guy I was seeing, they seemed to think he wasn't all that interested & it wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway. Such sound reasoning I felt they were absolutely right & that was extremely helpful in getting me to move on.
& while I was sure I didn't really have an alcohol problem as in alcoholism, I still wanted to make sure I wasn't just in denial, which mom helped with too (having been married to one, I trusted her to confirm my own thoughts). Still sticking to the no alcohol, & then what the hell, threw sugar in there too so I'm now doing the Whole 30 again. I'm not strict because ANY added sugar is forbidden, like the kind in cured bacon. I don't have access to uncured here, so I'm not worrying about that. Otherwise, I'm 2 weeks into Whole 30, & it hasn't been as bad as I thought. Not drinking I knew wouldn't be a problem, & of course it hasn't, no temptations to break it even when I go out with friends.The sugar part I was more worried about, but since you can have fruit (turns out in moderation, which not sure last weekend completely qualified as), that hasn't been bad, either. I ended up finally breaking down & buying a blender, so fruit smoothies is my new thing. I'm doing 2 months because I also don't want my body to completely adjust to no alcohol & start freaking out when I reintroduce it.
The only real hitch in everything has been the SEVERE breakout of my skin. It really started just before that drunken Saturday, but it went into HYPER DRIVE that week. @ first I wondered if the alcohol, contrary to rosacea law, was actually helping CONTROL my rosacea. But then I was investigating some herbal recommendations for SIBO which you may recall just keeps recurring, & I read about the Herxheimer Reaction, when your symptoms get worse before they get better. Or as most would put it, the body detoxing. Honestly, I can't believe I drank THAT much (or that I came close to having THAT MUCH sugar) that my body would freak out by their removal, but that's my thinking. I saw my doctor last week & she just said, "You need to see a dermatologist," but I decided to wait it out & see if it's that reaction, rather than something else. Besides, they're just likely to throw more antibiotics at it, which I don't want & was getting less effective anyway before I stopped going to see them because going paleo worked so well. Of course it's rainy season so the air's been a bit cleaner here or there-- funnily enough, even with my air purifier never being turned off, my skin seems to sense the AQI is good & just calms down. I so can't wait to not deal with this shit anymore.
The other update is I decided to wait on getting certified to teach in the US, & go get my Masters in Europe first. I'd hope to start by winter 2019/2020, so pretty quickly after leaving Korea next June. Despite my big reservations about it, Germany's still in there, though I wrote to a good university in Spain & got information on their program. The only problem with that one is, it's only 60 hours, when most are 120. Not sure if that would be as helpful. Plus French & German universities have stronger reputations. But still investigating options. Need to narrow down the country first. I really just wanted to get there before I got even older, & also because as so many expats here say, I have ZERO intention of returning to the US as long as that horrid, repugnant orange imbecile is still in power. Though now that Kennedy has retired so Trump can put his second Supreme Court nominee in there, fuck the US, it's fucking over. If they get a chance to overturn Roe v Wade, I'll renounce my citizenship to that sinking ship in whatever way I can.
So that's where things stand now. That & I'm thinking of using whatever pitiful money I have left each month to just spend on some plane tickets so I can get to one or 2 more places here before I leave. There's a whole other thing with immigration slightly stressing me out, but can't do anything about it really now, so that'll wait. We'll see how things turn out.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
The crumbled cookie and crying over spilled vodka
Well, I didn't foresee ME being the one who'd pull the plug on what seemed like a good thing with a guy, but here we are.
Thanks to my Olympian drinking match on Saturday, apparently after all the alcohol hit me late & rendered the night black-out, I called the guy (no idea if we really even talked), & more alarmingly & outrageously, sent a text that said, "I am suicidal." Well that's utter malarkey, but understandably the recipient now thinks I'm a lunatic alcoholic & doesn't want to see me again.
So I'm naturally really upset with myself, but also working on forgiving myself while finding all sorts of justifications for why this whole thing wasn't going to work anyway.
I decided, based on this, plus the fact that I get black-out drink several times a year (plus remembering that I suspect my drinking is also the reason another guy cut contact after a date a while ago), I decided I clearly need to give up drinking, at least for a while, if not permanently. Plus, coincidentally Jesse the fitness guy posted a 30 day challenge I still would REALLY struggle with monumentally: 30 days without wheat (EAAAAASY, lol), alcohol (I've given it up several times before for different reasons, so while I hate doing it, I know I can), and sugar, which is the real kicker for me. I don't have a giant sweet tooth, but when I know I can't have something I'm desperate to eat it all the time (at least for a while). I told the guy that I was going to give up alcohol after this, but he said he'd heard that before (wow, sounds like a not-great history) & thought there must be too many other issues buttressing all of this. Understandable. He almost certainly thought I was telling him I was giving up drinking b/c it's what addicts say, then don't; that it's what I thought he wanted to hear; and that I was doing it for him. This incident with him was definitely the catalyst, but it's definitely something I decided I need to do for myself, for reasons stated above. Things being at the VERRRRRY beginning, I understand why he thinks what he does (though my first thought was, "Dude, I can give up wheat and rice in Asia, & you think I can't give up ALCOHOL? LOLOLOLOL."). But it's still upsetting for me that ONE mistake & everything's done. That pisses me off, though as I said, of course when it's super early this is a completely natural & understandable reaction. But yes, I'm still upset since the possibility of me finding a guy I can date comes along once every 5-10 years, & I had a good feeling about him. Mostly. I'm still an anxious mess waiting for the guy to just drop off the Earth for no reason. Plus he's possibly farther than the 2 US bases for the time being. Weekends were the only possibility for seeing each other due to my schedule, & sure, the guy's going to have a life, but he's never suggested when we COULD see each other again. Just bought a bike & is planning a biking & camping trip, so there goes another weekend. So I had been thinking, "When WILL we see each other again, exactly?"
Now I know from past experience I say complete nonsense when I'm super drunk. But as I was texting another friend, I realized there was another VERY likely culprit, and I've mentioned it here before: my phone's insane autocorrecting. What it suggests when you're typing can be amazingly uncommon & nonsensical. It does it NONSTOP, & will substitute the WRONG word after I select the suggestion I want. It will put the autocorrected word back in when I delete its nonsense & retype, & I'm terrible about reading texts back through before sending out. It also doesn't learn my typing & most-commonly used words. So there's actually a VERY good chance that my autocorrect struck again.
But whatever the case is, I'm sad that I fucked things up, but resolute either way. Definitely won't hurt: while I'm not able to do the full Autoimmune paleo here, if ever, to really give my gut time to recover (& I'm just not that strict: I still have a little kimchi at dinner & can't resist at least a bowl of kimchi stew when Sue makes it, & think there's wheat in the chili paste), but going off alcohol will help with the whole leaky gut thing. Plus I'll likely be able to trim off a little weight, which is a nice added bonus, though we'll see-- my body is very resistant to trimming down, especially since I've only got around 5-10 lb I want to take off-- the hardest weight to lose. It can't hurt.
Thanks to my Olympian drinking match on Saturday, apparently after all the alcohol hit me late & rendered the night black-out, I called the guy (no idea if we really even talked), & more alarmingly & outrageously, sent a text that said, "I am suicidal." Well that's utter malarkey, but understandably the recipient now thinks I'm a lunatic alcoholic & doesn't want to see me again.
So I'm naturally really upset with myself, but also working on forgiving myself while finding all sorts of justifications for why this whole thing wasn't going to work anyway.
I decided, based on this, plus the fact that I get black-out drink several times a year (plus remembering that I suspect my drinking is also the reason another guy cut contact after a date a while ago), I decided I clearly need to give up drinking, at least for a while, if not permanently. Plus, coincidentally Jesse the fitness guy posted a 30 day challenge I still would REALLY struggle with monumentally: 30 days without wheat (EAAAAASY, lol), alcohol (I've given it up several times before for different reasons, so while I hate doing it, I know I can), and sugar, which is the real kicker for me. I don't have a giant sweet tooth, but when I know I can't have something I'm desperate to eat it all the time (at least for a while). I told the guy that I was going to give up alcohol after this, but he said he'd heard that before (wow, sounds like a not-great history) & thought there must be too many other issues buttressing all of this. Understandable. He almost certainly thought I was telling him I was giving up drinking b/c it's what addicts say, then don't; that it's what I thought he wanted to hear; and that I was doing it for him. This incident with him was definitely the catalyst, but it's definitely something I decided I need to do for myself, for reasons stated above. Things being at the VERRRRRY beginning, I understand why he thinks what he does (though my first thought was, "Dude, I can give up wheat and rice in Asia, & you think I can't give up ALCOHOL? LOLOLOLOL."). But it's still upsetting for me that ONE mistake & everything's done. That pisses me off, though as I said, of course when it's super early this is a completely natural & understandable reaction. But yes, I'm still upset since the possibility of me finding a guy I can date comes along once every 5-10 years, & I had a good feeling about him. Mostly. I'm still an anxious mess waiting for the guy to just drop off the Earth for no reason. Plus he's possibly farther than the 2 US bases for the time being. Weekends were the only possibility for seeing each other due to my schedule, & sure, the guy's going to have a life, but he's never suggested when we COULD see each other again. Just bought a bike & is planning a biking & camping trip, so there goes another weekend. So I had been thinking, "When WILL we see each other again, exactly?"
Now I know from past experience I say complete nonsense when I'm super drunk. But as I was texting another friend, I realized there was another VERY likely culprit, and I've mentioned it here before: my phone's insane autocorrecting. What it suggests when you're typing can be amazingly uncommon & nonsensical. It does it NONSTOP, & will substitute the WRONG word after I select the suggestion I want. It will put the autocorrected word back in when I delete its nonsense & retype, & I'm terrible about reading texts back through before sending out. It also doesn't learn my typing & most-commonly used words. So there's actually a VERY good chance that my autocorrect struck again.
But whatever the case is, I'm sad that I fucked things up, but resolute either way. Definitely won't hurt: while I'm not able to do the full Autoimmune paleo here, if ever, to really give my gut time to recover (& I'm just not that strict: I still have a little kimchi at dinner & can't resist at least a bowl of kimchi stew when Sue makes it, & think there's wheat in the chili paste), but going off alcohol will help with the whole leaky gut thing. Plus I'll likely be able to trim off a little weight, which is a nice added bonus, though we'll see-- my body is very resistant to trimming down, especially since I've only got around 5-10 lb I want to take off-- the hardest weight to lose. It can't hurt.
Thursday, June 7, 2018
Randomness while I hopefully avoid another topic
I just read about ways to work around the Schengen Zone visa limits and/or get visas that will let a US citizen stay. I was heartened to find a few countries have freelancer visas, though naturally the ONE country that's most open AND will let a non-citizen use their insurance is Germany. I just so strongly doubt I would like Germany. Other than a couple female friends from there whom I liked, the men in particular seem to have zero sense of humor & personality. Trying to get a dialogue going with them on tinder, for example, is really just my functioning as interviewer, where they seem to think I am hungry for whatever information they will give me that I ask, but have zero awareness or interest in asking me any questions/getting to know me. Naturally, as they all do, these conversations end quickly, which is what I want, since I've found that not only have I not wanted to date (and definitely not go with the FWB/hook-ups 90% of guys are looking for), but there isn't anyone for me to date (especially due to what 90% are looking for).
In any event, to apply for any of the freelance visas in various countries, you still have to have a certain amount of savings on top of proof of employment, the more the better. And given that it's impossible for me to save on what I make here, I definitely need to get some side work going. Which is why you may wonder, as I do, why I can't make myself work on my resume, or look for jobs. No, instead, I'm taking 2 courses, one on happiness (the famed Yale one, which you can take on Coursera), and one on World Literature from Harvard on EdX. The latter requires extra reading, so now I'm reading the Odyssey slowly (the translation I have that's free online isn't all that poetic, certainly not as rich & enjoyable as I remember the Iliad being). Though I also know that a few of the problems I have with doing extra remote work is, first, I'd need part time, which I just haven't seen. I'd need one with flexibility in how much work I can do for them when I leave Korea, plus access to some healthcare when I go back to the US to get certified to teach. & then there's doing my taxes as a freelancer, which just sounds like a giant pain in the neck. Yet, all of this needs to be worked out so I can finally live in Europe, hate it like I hate every other place I've lived, & turn into a US-only hermit like Jason (though he still keeps taking trips to Latin America, which is a sickness as far as I'm concerned). And all of it gives me anxiety, particularly the part about leaving the awesome healthcare and system here (even if I need it more because the country itself makes me sicker).
But we'll leave that constant background mess to discuss my other issues with dating, which is making mountains out of the RARE molehills that come up once every 5-10 years. By which I mean, well here I haven't been dating at all, but in the past, getting a second date was a rare enough occurrence that it always became a big deal to me, never mind how much bigger it was to me than the guy and the random normal person who knows such things definitely aren't big deals. But when you go decades with that being rare, it kind of IS. So that when there isn't a third date or whatever, it hits me hard because the guy who even wants a second date is something of a unicorn, so I always feel like I have to try to make whatever comes along work, & I know it'll be years before I get that far again. When a guy keeps texting me daily & isn't an asshole for a whole week (!!!!!!), it's insignificant & not worth mentioning at all.. except for me, since this has happened... 2 times? 3? Victor being one of those times. & that lasted all of 3 months, one of those months also being me not pulling the plug when I knew I had to. Psychologically I've determined it all comes down to my wanting the male approval I got the opposite of in 6th grade in particular. If only knowing shit changed your behavior & beliefs!
Got guilted by Jesse, my friend who's a personal trainer. Well I guilted myself, really, because he assumed I was using a foam roller, but I'm not, primarily because I hate doing it, but also because shit's so damned expensive here, I expected to be charged nothing less than 50,000 won. I knew I should be doing it, especially with how sore & knotted up my muscles get, so I decided I'd get one if it wasn't 50k. Turns out it was only 25-30. This week was a LOONNNNNNNNNGG OVERDUE recovery week, & I decided foam rolling would be a good thing to do. & it is... if you have some smidgen of an idea what you're doing. Clearly I don't because I spent 1.5 hours doing my upper body, one hour on lower, in lots of pain, & then saw that I actually have bruises on my back & legs from it. So I guess I went a bit too hard? HOW did I go a bit too hard? Maybe it's because I got the evil textured one, which I've never had before. In any event, I'm bruised from my recovery week. Seems about right.
Finally, Ashling, the girl I replaced, will be in Korea for a few nights. I only knew that, nothing more. Anna told Dylan they'd all go out with her one Friday night, he thinks the end of June. She asked Dylan if he thought I'd go given I can't eat shit. He said probably, he didn't know, but she should ask me, though can't figure out why he's invited b/c he never met her. I'm not surprised that my special snowflake diet is resulting in a dilemma, but still, to not invite me AT ALL? Apparently they're unaware that I'll go places where I can't eat anything sometimes, I just need advance notice so I can bring extra food or something. Ohhhh, Korea. Sigh.
So those are my current ramblings. Plenty for me to stress about & keep me busy, yet not enough for me to forge ahead and make any much-needed headway for my future plans.
In any event, to apply for any of the freelance visas in various countries, you still have to have a certain amount of savings on top of proof of employment, the more the better. And given that it's impossible for me to save on what I make here, I definitely need to get some side work going. Which is why you may wonder, as I do, why I can't make myself work on my resume, or look for jobs. No, instead, I'm taking 2 courses, one on happiness (the famed Yale one, which you can take on Coursera), and one on World Literature from Harvard on EdX. The latter requires extra reading, so now I'm reading the Odyssey slowly (the translation I have that's free online isn't all that poetic, certainly not as rich & enjoyable as I remember the Iliad being). Though I also know that a few of the problems I have with doing extra remote work is, first, I'd need part time, which I just haven't seen. I'd need one with flexibility in how much work I can do for them when I leave Korea, plus access to some healthcare when I go back to the US to get certified to teach. & then there's doing my taxes as a freelancer, which just sounds like a giant pain in the neck. Yet, all of this needs to be worked out so I can finally live in Europe, hate it like I hate every other place I've lived, & turn into a US-only hermit like Jason (though he still keeps taking trips to Latin America, which is a sickness as far as I'm concerned). And all of it gives me anxiety, particularly the part about leaving the awesome healthcare and system here (even if I need it more because the country itself makes me sicker).
But we'll leave that constant background mess to discuss my other issues with dating, which is making mountains out of the RARE molehills that come up once every 5-10 years. By which I mean, well here I haven't been dating at all, but in the past, getting a second date was a rare enough occurrence that it always became a big deal to me, never mind how much bigger it was to me than the guy and the random normal person who knows such things definitely aren't big deals. But when you go decades with that being rare, it kind of IS. So that when there isn't a third date or whatever, it hits me hard because the guy who even wants a second date is something of a unicorn, so I always feel like I have to try to make whatever comes along work, & I know it'll be years before I get that far again. When a guy keeps texting me daily & isn't an asshole for a whole week (!!!!!!), it's insignificant & not worth mentioning at all.. except for me, since this has happened... 2 times? 3? Victor being one of those times. & that lasted all of 3 months, one of those months also being me not pulling the plug when I knew I had to. Psychologically I've determined it all comes down to my wanting the male approval I got the opposite of in 6th grade in particular. If only knowing shit changed your behavior & beliefs!
Got guilted by Jesse, my friend who's a personal trainer. Well I guilted myself, really, because he assumed I was using a foam roller, but I'm not, primarily because I hate doing it, but also because shit's so damned expensive here, I expected to be charged nothing less than 50,000 won. I knew I should be doing it, especially with how sore & knotted up my muscles get, so I decided I'd get one if it wasn't 50k. Turns out it was only 25-30. This week was a LOONNNNNNNNNGG OVERDUE recovery week, & I decided foam rolling would be a good thing to do. & it is... if you have some smidgen of an idea what you're doing. Clearly I don't because I spent 1.5 hours doing my upper body, one hour on lower, in lots of pain, & then saw that I actually have bruises on my back & legs from it. So I guess I went a bit too hard? HOW did I go a bit too hard? Maybe it's because I got the evil textured one, which I've never had before. In any event, I'm bruised from my recovery week. Seems about right.
Finally, Ashling, the girl I replaced, will be in Korea for a few nights. I only knew that, nothing more. Anna told Dylan they'd all go out with her one Friday night, he thinks the end of June. She asked Dylan if he thought I'd go given I can't eat shit. He said probably, he didn't know, but she should ask me, though can't figure out why he's invited b/c he never met her. I'm not surprised that my special snowflake diet is resulting in a dilemma, but still, to not invite me AT ALL? Apparently they're unaware that I'll go places where I can't eat anything sometimes, I just need advance notice so I can bring extra food or something. Ohhhh, Korea. Sigh.
So those are my current ramblings. Plenty for me to stress about & keep me busy, yet not enough for me to forge ahead and make any much-needed headway for my future plans.
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
What to do, what to do?
I will finally be getting a little raise for next year-- an extra 100K won/month. Wish I could say it'll all go toward bills, when I still need as much as I can for food throughout the month. But you know what else I want some freaking money for? Traveling. It's Buddha's birthday today, so we have the day off. Obviously a Tuesday off doesn't help, but for example Dylan pointed out Japan is close enough for a weekend trip. I've always wanted to see the lanterns set off over the water, but why do it in Korea when I like Thailand more & that's a much more observing Buddhist country than Korea? I still want to go to Cambodia, & recently was thinking it'd be better to do it from here, not just because it's much closer, but also because I can hopefully recover a little faster from the inevitable return to eating rice.
Which brings me to my future plans in Europe. It seems that the best, plus freest, & most programs offered in English, are in Germany. I've never been there, never wanted to go. Jason hated it, & for some reasons I could see bothering me. I'm still friends with a great who couchsurfed with me from there, but I've also matched with a few on tinder & they have the conversational skills of styrofoam. They're about as humorous as it too, from what I can tell. I'm tired of being in countries I don't like. I'm tired of those being the only option. I'm tired of the idea that I can't travel more because it'd mean having a fuck of a time eating or breaking out massively again. As I've said too, I've found that each successive breakout is more & more difficult for me to recover from, especially when the air's shitty.
Ozgur, the guy I couchsurfed with in Turkey, I still think about him. & how retardedly easy dating would be there if I was ready & wanted to date again. Plus I still have to get certified to teach in the US, which is a massive gamble due to healthcare which I'm less & less comfortable with taking.
I've got a friend I can go see in Sri Lanka. I could plan in advance & try to pay for airfare during a holiday here to somewhere in Asia. I'm always thinking of Thailand, even though living there wouldn't work out for so many reasons. I have to get my resume straightened out so I can start applying for remote jobs, but doing what? I can't really find anything part time, am wary of doing freelance taxes in the US while here, & how to transition that to full time when I'm in the US, especially when remote jobs don't really offer benefits (though some people claim some do)? Do I just keep paying the same toward my loans & try to travel more, though I don't see being able to afford that with only an extra 100k/month? Do I stay another TWO years so that my pension is about $10,000, instead of just $7500? Could I mentally handle another 2 years? Is it worth it?
God, & joining a gym IF I could find one open when I'd ideally use it, & could get a trainer to help me get good & progress with squats, for example? That'd be great.
Thoughts? Should I just deal with shitty skin & whatever unseen damage the food is doing to my system & travel? Plus the mad expense I probably couldn't really handle anyway? Go to a European country that I might prefer, even if their MA programs don't have the same reputation as Germany's? How do I navigate the practicum back in the US without healthcare & income, or not enough? Stay here for more money once I leave?
Which brings me to my future plans in Europe. It seems that the best, plus freest, & most programs offered in English, are in Germany. I've never been there, never wanted to go. Jason hated it, & for some reasons I could see bothering me. I'm still friends with a great who couchsurfed with me from there, but I've also matched with a few on tinder & they have the conversational skills of styrofoam. They're about as humorous as it too, from what I can tell. I'm tired of being in countries I don't like. I'm tired of those being the only option. I'm tired of the idea that I can't travel more because it'd mean having a fuck of a time eating or breaking out massively again. As I've said too, I've found that each successive breakout is more & more difficult for me to recover from, especially when the air's shitty.
Ozgur, the guy I couchsurfed with in Turkey, I still think about him. & how retardedly easy dating would be there if I was ready & wanted to date again. Plus I still have to get certified to teach in the US, which is a massive gamble due to healthcare which I'm less & less comfortable with taking.
I've got a friend I can go see in Sri Lanka. I could plan in advance & try to pay for airfare during a holiday here to somewhere in Asia. I'm always thinking of Thailand, even though living there wouldn't work out for so many reasons. I have to get my resume straightened out so I can start applying for remote jobs, but doing what? I can't really find anything part time, am wary of doing freelance taxes in the US while here, & how to transition that to full time when I'm in the US, especially when remote jobs don't really offer benefits (though some people claim some do)? Do I just keep paying the same toward my loans & try to travel more, though I don't see being able to afford that with only an extra 100k/month? Do I stay another TWO years so that my pension is about $10,000, instead of just $7500? Could I mentally handle another 2 years? Is it worth it?
God, & joining a gym IF I could find one open when I'd ideally use it, & could get a trainer to help me get good & progress with squats, for example? That'd be great.
Thoughts? Should I just deal with shitty skin & whatever unseen damage the food is doing to my system & travel? Plus the mad expense I probably couldn't really handle anyway? Go to a European country that I might prefer, even if their MA programs don't have the same reputation as Germany's? How do I navigate the practicum back in the US without healthcare & income, or not enough? Stay here for more money once I leave?
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Being careful what I wish for & other irritations
Today truly sucked because I had to get up early (for me), rush out the door & do the 1.3 hour trip to immigration & pay a fine because I faxed over my new passport info ONE DAY LATE. They called Sue, my boss, & she told me to go, no need for an appointment, go to the 2nd floor (everything else I've done there is always the first floor). So, I get there @ 11:30, not realizing lunch is @ 12 (my doctors have theirs at one, so one can't always predict these things, & it's not like it's info posted easily to see online, if at all). I get there, not sure if I need visa or nationality, since those & permanent residence are my options (fuck that shit I am NOT staying here forever!). While I'm waiting for my number, probably a good 10 minutes go by, & this Korean woman asks what I'm there for. I show her in my translator, & she points me around the corner. When I go in, the guy at a counter tells me downstairs.
Pissed, down I go, where I'm told to go make a copy & get it to this guy, fast. I do, as it's 5 to 12 & I find out that 12 is lunch time. He gives me a number & tells me to look for the number after 1 PM. WRONG, I have to get back to work, I planned on leaving at 12:30 to do so. Naturally, I can't just pay the $100 there & then, no, it must be done after lunch, or before by time travel. So I have the unmitigated pleasure of going back this week. Given that I also have to go to the doctor, go to the bank, AND get in to see the orthopedic now that I've been paid again, I was rather pissed off. & exhausted from the early trip that I wasted & must do again.
I decide to buy coffee for coworkers so that maybe brightening their day will brighten & improve mine. Work goes fine-- I even got forced into finishing signing up for & ordering stuff on coupang, a grocery/amazon type site that is ALL in Korean. I order my new air purifier filter from gmarket too, & head home to the nearby ATM where I can transfer the money to coupang & gmarket for the orders, respectively.
Only to get there, check my email messages, & there's nothing about the amount & bank account to transfer money to coupang. I also don't have the app on my phone. I install it, & the total now listed is less than it was, & there's a 1 on my cart. There's a bunch of Korean gobbledy-gook, followed by the number 0. I'm guessing that it decided AFTER telling me the original total & bank info (you need a minimum for half the shit on coupang, honestly while it may be cheaper it's massively more inconvenient) that they were actually out of one of the items, so I can't get or pay for that order yet, since it's yet again incomplete. I go in to pay for my gmarket order, only to find that YET AGAIN, our ATM is out of order. SOOO I can't pay for that yet, either. Guess I'll have to do it from the ATM @ the bank tomorrow when I do my monthly money transfer for school loans & debt repayment.
The other irritant is from getting what I wanted, namely, a more active paleo facebook group. It's international but of course pretty much all people in Western, English-speaking countries, but I can get recipes & stuff. But I also get REMARKABLY STUPID fuckers posting.
People have posted pride in being BRAVE by buying bok choy-- but what do you do with it? REALLY? You've never used or seen or eaten bok choy? Seriously? & this is another actual post: how do you pronounce paleo? Because THIS fucking miracle of a person always pronounced it pay-lay-oh. WHO THE FUCK SAYS IT THAT WAY? Who is taking a risk by purchasing fucking BOK CHOY??? Flaunting their stupidity & not getting called out for being asshats really hurts my head.
Could have saved my money today too: it's Teacher's Day in Korea, & one of the moms bought all of us teachers coffee! So I had 2 servings, & then didn't want to eat dinner, lol.
My knee was bothering me yesterday while I was doing a chattaranga hold, & has remained swollen & hurts when I go to bed, etc., so back to not working out my legs, & hopefully will get an answer next week without having to pay too much, which is any amount thanks to my super special diet. Always such good things to report!
Pissed, down I go, where I'm told to go make a copy & get it to this guy, fast. I do, as it's 5 to 12 & I find out that 12 is lunch time. He gives me a number & tells me to look for the number after 1 PM. WRONG, I have to get back to work, I planned on leaving at 12:30 to do so. Naturally, I can't just pay the $100 there & then, no, it must be done after lunch, or before by time travel. So I have the unmitigated pleasure of going back this week. Given that I also have to go to the doctor, go to the bank, AND get in to see the orthopedic now that I've been paid again, I was rather pissed off. & exhausted from the early trip that I wasted & must do again.
I decide to buy coffee for coworkers so that maybe brightening their day will brighten & improve mine. Work goes fine-- I even got forced into finishing signing up for & ordering stuff on coupang, a grocery/amazon type site that is ALL in Korean. I order my new air purifier filter from gmarket too, & head home to the nearby ATM where I can transfer the money to coupang & gmarket for the orders, respectively.
Only to get there, check my email messages, & there's nothing about the amount & bank account to transfer money to coupang. I also don't have the app on my phone. I install it, & the total now listed is less than it was, & there's a 1 on my cart. There's a bunch of Korean gobbledy-gook, followed by the number 0. I'm guessing that it decided AFTER telling me the original total & bank info (you need a minimum for half the shit on coupang, honestly while it may be cheaper it's massively more inconvenient) that they were actually out of one of the items, so I can't get or pay for that order yet, since it's yet again incomplete. I go in to pay for my gmarket order, only to find that YET AGAIN, our ATM is out of order. SOOO I can't pay for that yet, either. Guess I'll have to do it from the ATM @ the bank tomorrow when I do my monthly money transfer for school loans & debt repayment.
The other irritant is from getting what I wanted, namely, a more active paleo facebook group. It's international but of course pretty much all people in Western, English-speaking countries, but I can get recipes & stuff. But I also get REMARKABLY STUPID fuckers posting.
People have posted pride in being BRAVE by buying bok choy-- but what do you do with it? REALLY? You've never used or seen or eaten bok choy? Seriously? & this is another actual post: how do you pronounce paleo? Because THIS fucking miracle of a person always pronounced it pay-lay-oh. WHO THE FUCK SAYS IT THAT WAY? Who is taking a risk by purchasing fucking BOK CHOY??? Flaunting their stupidity & not getting called out for being asshats really hurts my head.
Could have saved my money today too: it's Teacher's Day in Korea, & one of the moms bought all of us teachers coffee! So I had 2 servings, & then didn't want to eat dinner, lol.
My knee was bothering me yesterday while I was doing a chattaranga hold, & has remained swollen & hurts when I go to bed, etc., so back to not working out my legs, & hopefully will get an answer next week without having to pay too much, which is any amount thanks to my super special diet. Always such good things to report!
Friday, May 4, 2018
Will it EVER get easier?
You know, I just continually have all these reasons to be eternally grateful for the excellent healthcare I have here in Korea. As I said, the doctor tested my blood & urine, & brought me these charts & results & discussed everything with me, which she does whenever she does tests. She suggests supplements I should get, & tells me it's best to order them from the US because they're better quality. But it's also that she really is attuned to what people who have Hashimoto's deal with. I'm INSANELY lucky-- except for the midpoint of getting my initial dosage right after my diagnosis, I've never suffered from the symptoms, constant symptoms, that ALL these other people (mainly women), deal with. My anxiety & depression are definitely stronger because those are both symptoms of it. But apart from that, I really haven't experienced them, even when I've been hypothyroid, whether a little or a lot. & many people have these symptoms when their T3& T4 levels are normal.
Many people with Hashimoto's, as well as people in the paleo community, but especially within the autoimmune, will go on & on about adrenal fatigue. They'll talk about their sensitivity to wheat or milk or whatever. & the doctors will tell them there's no connection to food, they're not celiac (I was tested within a year or two of my diagnosis since I'd been reading up, & the doctor told me I'm definitely not allergic to wheat). I asked about being tested for adrenal fatigue... the doctor was a little irritated, but there IS a test & she ran it & I was fine (but you know, a good 6-7 years ago).
When I see my doctor here, she'll say, "Oh yes, people with Hashimoto's tend to have problems with dairy or wheat," or she'll ask how my symptoms are when I'm a little hypo. At my latest appointment, she was curious about my cellular metabolism (I THINK?), & ran some test where they put these clamps on both wrists & 1 ankle. It measured my pulse, the cellular metabolism I guess... & showed I have adrenal fatigue, which means I need some enzyme. But thanks to the extra tests & of course grocery shopping, I have to make $100 last through 2 dinners out & food this long weekend plus for next week, then around $30 for the week after that. Ohhhh, and it was my bank's turn to do "an update" on a holiday weekend, so I had to take out all the cash I'll need on Friday because Saturday through Monday, my atm & debit card won't work. We foreigners (mainly) must use cash. Every bank in Korea pulls shit like this. Of course, everything here is STILL run on internet explorer, if you can EVEN believe it, THAT is what they use here. It's a whole thing. But anyway, I went to the pharmacy, where I got 2 weeks' worth of: antiobiotic pills (2/day for a week) for my rosacea breakout; 6 primrose oil pills/day (which is usually more than enough to keep my skin clear); my thyroid pills; this pill for stress due to high cortisol & adrenal fatigue (twice/day); & iron pills. Interestingly the pharmacist speaks more & more English with me when I see her, & she told me the primrose pills she gives to her husband & son, 10/day (!!!) & their seasonal allergy symptoms are pretty much gone. She suggested asking my doctor about that. As I always do during & after my visits, I marvel at how the clamp test plus seeing the doc to discuss all these tests in-depth, plus looking at iHerb for supplements I should look for & order, all cost $22. That list of meds cost me $8, because after the government negotiates the prices with all drug makers so people outside the US pay far less for most meds anyway, it was $28, but the pharmacist pointed out that the government covered an additional $20 of the price, hence the $8 for 2 weeks of lots of pills.
When I think about leaving Korea in just over a year, my anxiety kicks into high gear: I have to figure out how to get a job, preferably online/remote, which means freelance & no insurance; how to get MORE LOANS to get certified to teach & live for a year or so in the US. It's nearly impossible to find a remote job with insurance. But EVEN IF I DID get a job with insurance? I can't stomach the idea of going back to that nightmare system. Doctors doubting everything, that deductible bullshit-- what they pull out of my paycheck for the national system here is about $16/MONTH. There's no fucking DEDUCTIBLE-- that $16 is all I pay, then another $3 just to see my GP or ear, nose & throat guy, or an orthopedic (who still seem to be mostly clueless) each visit. & then hoping you also have a prescription discount card to still pay 2-3 times what I pay for the same shit here! Spending 30 minutes with the doctor, who doesn't rush through & talks over everything. Offers me NATURAL ALTERNATIVES to antidepressants if I want to try that before resorting to the drugs (& I will ALWAYS take the natural alternative first), but will write me a prescription for the drugs if I want. That $88 blood work? She checked my liver & kidney function, my cholesterol, my blood sugar (I may be allergic to histamines, AND am getting close to glucose intolerance, common AGAIN with Hashi's, which means much bigger chance of being diabetic. I'd had a bit to drink the night before my blood work, so I'm hoping that's why my blood sugar was 20, & 27 is pre-diabetic), every hormone & vitamin level & all sorts of other shit I can't even remember. I've been thinking about this: do I stay in a place that is possibly/probably making me sicker but also has ways to treat it? Or get out of the bad environment but then have no good, affordable, reliable or consistent way to deal with the health issues that are all there now, regardless of what or how they were brought on? The national heathcare here is PRECISELY WHY I can understand staying here for 10 years or more, as so many teachers do (& they DON'T have the health problems I do).
Many people with Hashimoto's, as well as people in the paleo community, but especially within the autoimmune, will go on & on about adrenal fatigue. They'll talk about their sensitivity to wheat or milk or whatever. & the doctors will tell them there's no connection to food, they're not celiac (I was tested within a year or two of my diagnosis since I'd been reading up, & the doctor told me I'm definitely not allergic to wheat). I asked about being tested for adrenal fatigue... the doctor was a little irritated, but there IS a test & she ran it & I was fine (but you know, a good 6-7 years ago).
When I see my doctor here, she'll say, "Oh yes, people with Hashimoto's tend to have problems with dairy or wheat," or she'll ask how my symptoms are when I'm a little hypo. At my latest appointment, she was curious about my cellular metabolism (I THINK?), & ran some test where they put these clamps on both wrists & 1 ankle. It measured my pulse, the cellular metabolism I guess... & showed I have adrenal fatigue, which means I need some enzyme. But thanks to the extra tests & of course grocery shopping, I have to make $100 last through 2 dinners out & food this long weekend plus for next week, then around $30 for the week after that. Ohhhh, and it was my bank's turn to do "an update" on a holiday weekend, so I had to take out all the cash I'll need on Friday because Saturday through Monday, my atm & debit card won't work. We foreigners (mainly) must use cash. Every bank in Korea pulls shit like this. Of course, everything here is STILL run on internet explorer, if you can EVEN believe it, THAT is what they use here. It's a whole thing. But anyway, I went to the pharmacy, where I got 2 weeks' worth of: antiobiotic pills (2/day for a week) for my rosacea breakout; 6 primrose oil pills/day (which is usually more than enough to keep my skin clear); my thyroid pills; this pill for stress due to high cortisol & adrenal fatigue (twice/day); & iron pills. Interestingly the pharmacist speaks more & more English with me when I see her, & she told me the primrose pills she gives to her husband & son, 10/day (!!!) & their seasonal allergy symptoms are pretty much gone. She suggested asking my doctor about that. As I always do during & after my visits, I marvel at how the clamp test plus seeing the doc to discuss all these tests in-depth, plus looking at iHerb for supplements I should look for & order, all cost $22. That list of meds cost me $8, because after the government negotiates the prices with all drug makers so people outside the US pay far less for most meds anyway, it was $28, but the pharmacist pointed out that the government covered an additional $20 of the price, hence the $8 for 2 weeks of lots of pills.
When I think about leaving Korea in just over a year, my anxiety kicks into high gear: I have to figure out how to get a job, preferably online/remote, which means freelance & no insurance; how to get MORE LOANS to get certified to teach & live for a year or so in the US. It's nearly impossible to find a remote job with insurance. But EVEN IF I DID get a job with insurance? I can't stomach the idea of going back to that nightmare system. Doctors doubting everything, that deductible bullshit-- what they pull out of my paycheck for the national system here is about $16/MONTH. There's no fucking DEDUCTIBLE-- that $16 is all I pay, then another $3 just to see my GP or ear, nose & throat guy, or an orthopedic (who still seem to be mostly clueless) each visit. & then hoping you also have a prescription discount card to still pay 2-3 times what I pay for the same shit here! Spending 30 minutes with the doctor, who doesn't rush through & talks over everything. Offers me NATURAL ALTERNATIVES to antidepressants if I want to try that before resorting to the drugs (& I will ALWAYS take the natural alternative first), but will write me a prescription for the drugs if I want. That $88 blood work? She checked my liver & kidney function, my cholesterol, my blood sugar (I may be allergic to histamines, AND am getting close to glucose intolerance, common AGAIN with Hashi's, which means much bigger chance of being diabetic. I'd had a bit to drink the night before my blood work, so I'm hoping that's why my blood sugar was 20, & 27 is pre-diabetic), every hormone & vitamin level & all sorts of other shit I can't even remember. I've been thinking about this: do I stay in a place that is possibly/probably making me sicker but also has ways to treat it? Or get out of the bad environment but then have no good, affordable, reliable or consistent way to deal with the health issues that are all there now, regardless of what or how they were brought on? The national heathcare here is PRECISELY WHY I can understand staying here for 10 years or more, as so many teachers do (& they DON'T have the health problems I do).
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