Well, I didn't foresee ME being the one who'd pull the plug on what seemed like a good thing with a guy, but here we are.
Thanks to my Olympian drinking match on Saturday, apparently after all the alcohol hit me late & rendered the night black-out, I called the guy (no idea if we really even talked), & more alarmingly & outrageously, sent a text that said, "I am suicidal." Well that's utter malarkey, but understandably the recipient now thinks I'm a lunatic alcoholic & doesn't want to see me again.
So I'm naturally really upset with myself, but also working on forgiving myself while finding all sorts of justifications for why this whole thing wasn't going to work anyway.
I decided, based on this, plus the fact that I get black-out drink several times a year (plus remembering that I suspect my drinking is also the reason another guy cut contact after a date a while ago), I decided I clearly need to give up drinking, at least for a while, if not permanently. Plus, coincidentally Jesse the fitness guy posted a 30 day challenge I still would REALLY struggle with monumentally: 30 days without wheat (EAAAAASY, lol), alcohol (I've given it up several times before for different reasons, so while I hate doing it, I know I can), and sugar, which is the real kicker for me. I don't have a giant sweet tooth, but when I know I can't have something I'm desperate to eat it all the time (at least for a while). I told the guy that I was going to give up alcohol after this, but he said he'd heard that before (wow, sounds like a not-great history) & thought there must be too many other issues buttressing all of this. Understandable. He almost certainly thought I was telling him I was giving up drinking b/c it's what addicts say, then don't; that it's what I thought he wanted to hear; and that I was doing it for him. This incident with him was definitely the catalyst, but it's definitely something I decided I need to do for myself, for reasons stated above. Things being at the VERRRRRY beginning, I understand why he thinks what he does (though my first thought was, "Dude, I can give up wheat and rice in Asia, & you think I can't give up ALCOHOL? LOLOLOLOL."). But it's still upsetting for me that ONE mistake & everything's done. That pisses me off, though as I said, of course when it's super early this is a completely natural & understandable reaction. But yes, I'm still upset since the possibility of me finding a guy I can date comes along once every 5-10 years, & I had a good feeling about him. Mostly. I'm still an anxious mess waiting for the guy to just drop off the Earth for no reason. Plus he's possibly farther than the 2 US bases for the time being. Weekends were the only possibility for seeing each other due to my schedule, & sure, the guy's going to have a life, but he's never suggested when we COULD see each other again. Just bought a bike & is planning a biking & camping trip, so there goes another weekend. So I had been thinking, "When WILL we see each other again, exactly?"
Now I know from past experience I say complete nonsense when I'm super drunk. But as I was texting another friend, I realized there was another VERY likely culprit, and I've mentioned it here before: my phone's insane autocorrecting. What it suggests when you're typing can be amazingly uncommon & nonsensical. It does it NONSTOP, & will substitute the WRONG word after I select the suggestion I want. It will put the autocorrected word back in when I delete its nonsense & retype, & I'm terrible about reading texts back through before sending out. It also doesn't learn my typing & most-commonly used words. So there's actually a VERY good chance that my autocorrect struck again.
But whatever the case is, I'm sad that I fucked things up, but resolute either way. Definitely won't hurt: while I'm not able to do the full Autoimmune paleo here, if ever, to really give my gut time to recover (& I'm just not that strict: I still have a little kimchi at dinner & can't resist at least a bowl of kimchi stew when Sue makes it, & think there's wheat in the chili paste), but going off alcohol will help with the whole leaky gut thing. Plus I'll likely be able to trim off a little weight, which is a nice added bonus, though we'll see-- my body is very resistant to trimming down, especially since I've only got around 5-10 lb I want to take off-- the hardest weight to lose. It can't hurt.
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