Ok, I am firmly out of crisis mode

Suffice it to say, it was a doozy of a week. I am fairly certain there won't be another so jam-packed full of insanity and deadlines all converging in one week and two days, but yesterday I almost quit on the spot. And after a sober Friday night and plenty of unloading unto friends (thanks Tausha and Jason), I have decided to follow through and at least give my notice to ILS.

This week was kindergarten graduation, which was not my fuck show to make, though I still had to participate. As mentioned in my previous post, I was relegated to running the slide show. This still had me anxious, and quite frankly I thought that my constant state of soaking in my own cortisol would be over once the ceremony was on Thursday. But ohhh, how wrong I was.

Next week, on Monday, all elementary classes will take the Big Assessment Test. Most of the tests for each story is in a folder. You cut and paste them into one document, based on how many stories the kids read, cherry-picking them based on what you think the kids will be able to answer relatively easily, and to get a total of about 20-25 points per test. The main problem with this was that copy and pasting into a new document sets up all sorts of auto-numbering issues, that quite frankly I lost the battle with. Mainly because I knew that to get through this contract and accept my role as glorified babysitter, I had to stop giving a shit. And that included caring that much if a new section (like going from multiple choice to writing the answer) would cause the document to start the numbering again at 1 or not. Sometimes it did, sometimes it did not. Plus, other than what I'm writing, all of Windows is in Korean, so unless I remember where this option is exactly in the menu, I can't really tell what I'd be clicking on, so I don't. I took care of my tests (all of them, I thought), a few weeks ago. It wasn't 'til late Tuesday afternoon that I realized I had one more test to put together, and it was going to be taken on Thursday. Giving me one day, a day when I had no breaks, plus whatever time after the graduation ceremony on Thursday, to finish it.

Except they decided that the new owner/principal should look at them all Wednesday afternoon. Then I discovered to my horror that the book my Thursday test-taker didn't have any tests already made up, and I'd have to make up the questions myself. On the same day and actually while being reminded that Hetty the principal wanted the tests around now. I somehow got that put together, and printed up the rest to give to her.

Hetty called me into her office to tell me how very unhappy she was that I would give to the new principal what I did: tests with numbering that wasn't consistent. This was upsetting enough, but one of the tests I'd printed also had an extra 8 blank pages at the end I'd forgotten to delete, so there were those 8 blank pages attached. This is a monumental waste of paper (despite the fact that I just put them back in the printer after). She also added that I'm an "ok" teacher, though we also needed to work on my keeping my students focused. I knew that had to mean Elmo, which quite frankly no one can keep in line. They finish the work on the schedule every day, so not quite sure what the real issue is there. I told her if she had suggestions for handling them I was all ears as no one else did. She just said something about having different personalities that would affect solutions to that or something.

So getting called into the principal's office for a scolding, when on the one hand yes the numbering issue isn't great, but ultimately I fail to see it as quite the big deal that she did, is always unnerving. Thursday and Friday is also when we had to submit all of our students' report cards (in 2 different systems, one of which only has the kids' names in Korean). This means not only indicating my opinion on their grammar, fluency, etc., but also a paragraph about each kid, which can include a soft statement of issues you may be having with them, but mainly blowing sunshine up the parents' asses about their little devils.And entering all of the lesson plans for March into the system. No one mentioned that, this being a new school year, several of my classes would now have different names. So some I entered into the wrong files. Then there was one that I had to move everything down a day because it turned out when I'd made the month's plan we didn't know if students would return to school next Wednesday or Friday. This one I did for Wednesday, but it ended up being Friday. And on Thursday the vice principal told me that E2A, the one class lesson plan I'd already put into the file, would now have a new book that we'd do every Friday. So I had to go back and completely rewrite/rearrange that one. I asked the VP (Anna) if I could see the book to see how many pages we'd need to get through, but we won't get trained on this book (Hessed Thematic, whatever that means) until Wednesday the 2nd, and I'll have my first class with it on Friday the 4th.

So at this point I'm pretty well past my breaking point of stress, particularly as while I'm trying to get the lesson plans entered or re-entered or rearranged and re-entered, Korean teachers keep interrupting me to ask about another class' plan. There were other teachers (though no VP or principal) in the office when I said out loud I'd just have to give my notice and quit. No one said anything though. And I just didn't care if they did.

Wednesday, Kiara mentioned to me that she noticed I was getting stressed out, and that I sometimes behaved in a way that makes that obvious, even though cultural differences probably mean the Koreans don't even notice. That makes no sense to me as I'm sure the signs are pretty universal, they've worked with Americans plenty, but also if they don't notice then who cares?? Kiara said she had a HELL of an adjustment here. I agreed I needed to work on that. I'll definitely talk to Kiara to see how she dealt with it, as she, like me, had no relationship with any of the English teachers when she started either. But as I've already determined that Kiara is no help at best, I don't have much hope of that working out so well.

We also found out Friday that all of us will have a pre-k class to teach this year. My one worry that I'd discussed with the previous owner was having to work with pre-k, which OF COURSE she said wasn't a problem. Honestly, the one morning class I didn't hate, Clifford, was pre-k, so part of me was thinking as I was mulling all of this over most pessimistically, that maybe I should wait until I've seen the new schedule and met the kids. But ultimately, even when I didn't have to worry about getting through a full morning with Elmo because we all had graduation practice all day, every morning I'm having mini-anxiety attacks going to work. And anxiety all evening and on the weekends when I'm not there. I had another job like that. I made it 6 months before that hell finally ended. And I can't live like that. Or live with hating my damned job. I did that for 5 years, and life really and truly sucked.

All in all, Jason begged me to just come home, he'd pay for my flight. Ah, how I wish that were true! Lol. But it's always nice to hear.

It's not uncommon for people to transfer their visas to new schools, you just need a letter of release from your current school. The schools are legally required to give this to you, provided you resign within the contract's rules. This is commonly 30 days. The only other issue is quitting before 6 months means the school will deduct the amount of your flight from your paycheck. The 6 month point is basically universally when you've worked enough that you won't be docked for that. Tausha told me there are plenty of openings April and May, especially in Suwon, which is also a little closer to Seoul.

My only concern was I was positive that, having not even fully completed 2 months here, I absolutely do not see how I can make it another 4 to get to the 6-month point. It sucks being docked $700, but I can live with it since I've been financially comfortable since getting paid in February. Of course, I can always just ditch them and leave without much of a word. I can come back to Korea and work after my current ARC expires next January, provided I don't include this job on my resume. But it's easier to get a job from here, and why head all the way back to the US when I want to see what it's like working here when you DON'T hate the environment, kids, and have no support network within the school to help with your adjustment before I just say, nope, I can't deal with teaching in Korea.

This also really fucked with my plan of paying off debt by working here in Korea for a year OR 2, then heading back to the US to become certified to teach and get my MA, giving me better options abroad, the ability to teach in the US, and will be a lot less financially depressing without the debt I have now. Were I to return to the US now, I'm just not financially prepared for that. Getting a job in the US is SUCH a fucking pain, never mind one that's part time that MIGHT let me live in a studio instead of having to be a burden to whoever might take me in while I'm unable to work during the day during the practicum portion of schooling. Not to mention the testing and application process to get into these programs.

I read my contract and was given even MORE bad news. When I'd read it before signing it (which I did), I didn't pay close attention to the quitting portion. I know, I know, but you know, I was excited to be getting a job, and it wasn't at the forefront of my mind what quitting this new job would entail. My contract has the excessive requirement that I give 3 months' notice of quitting. As I've said, I just do not believe I can make it last that long. I think one more month is probably all I can take. And then? Turns out that quitting before the end of the 12 months will mean I'm going to have to pay them for my flight anyway. Tausha, who seems to agree that my school's bullshit is very excessive and unnecessary, was particularly shocked at these 2 added-on insults to my psychic injury, lol. Oh well. I guess at least now I definitely have no incentive to worry about my inability to last another 4 months.

Aside from the financial issue of losing $700 and then having to shell out another $1000 or whatever to get back to the US, plus the issue of finding a job and where I'll go, etc., I'd feel ashamed that I'd made such a bad decision and failed in my plan.All in all, everything looked pretty bleak.

But after letting myself panic over it all for a bit, I calmed down, reminding myself that naturally I had run out of most of my liquor at the same time, and had to go to emart to restock. (Korea's Target). Which is also what people apparently do on a Saturday night here. It's always crowded on the weekends of course, but you'd think maybe enough Koreans (and the Chinese too, I'm told), who stick to very American-style meal times religiously might be leaving the store by 6:30-7:00. And that plenty would also be going out, particularly as they don't face the language barrier that keeps me from having someone else do the cooking for me more often, especially as good meals out can be cheap here.

It had occurred to me that just having a certain, more imminent end date, might definitely make it possible for me to make it through. So, calm and ok and walking to emart, I decided that, kind-of-scary as it is, and unhappy about my inability to stick it out as I am wont to do, I am going to give the school my 3 months' notice. As I said, hopefully having that end date within a slightly-closer grasp will get me through. It also occurred to me that they may well decide to fire me when I give it to them, which scares me but should still mean I won't have an issue getting that release letter, and won't have to last that long. If I just ABSOLUTELY CANNOT make it, there is always putting my tail between my legs, repacking my stuff and heading back home.