The endless frustration of endlessly resetting the clock

Because I live in Asia, where food allergies don't exist, & as I've said before, I'm convinced that planes fly over this blasted country dusting everything in flour, it is such a nightmare going wheat-free. Of course my nightmare only begins there, since I now tell people I'm allergic to food, as the God damned list is so fucking long of what I can't eat.

While it was completely anecdotal & there is no science to back it up whatsoever, I've also mentioned before that one guy said he was able eat grains again after 1-2 years with zero wheat, which seems enough time for the body to heal, & for cross-reactions (the body deciding that rice gluten looks JUST LIKE wheat gluten, hence the body reacts to it badly). That has been my goal: 1 year, ideally 2 without any of those things, & then go from there.

I'm sure you can imagine how fucking hard it is to not eat grains period, never mind in Korea where that is EXACTLY & only what's for dinner most nights. (Sometimes I look at my coworkers' dinner & think: marathoner carb loading before a race, or Korean dinner?) & given EVERYTHING I have to avoid now, I'm sure you'll likewise understand that every once in a while, I have to give in & have SOMETHING I'm currently not supposed to be consuming (according to the pros). The food with the smallest/not really noticeable reaction is dairy, so while I do get this little throat-clearing thing that's apparently indicative of an allergy, that's it, so that's the vice. Lately I've been craving ice cream, & today, after a weekend of no sleep, I decided I'd go ahead & have some.

I went into the Baskin Robins/Dunkin Donuts/whatever hybrid I was passing. I still look & make sure I don't pick one with grains (cookies n' cream, for example).

& that cup of ice cream was so fucking good that I decided I'd go to the convenience store & see if they had anything with chocolate swirls. They did have one: it's a Korean company's, & the picture was chocolate chip with some coffee swirls. Good enough!

However when I got home, those little chocolate chips were much smaller-- small enough & soft enough, that they were doubtless some sort of cookie shit.

The BEAUTY of wheat issues is that you are in for a penny, in for a pound: you take a bite of something, swallow it but then think or realize something in there was almost or certainly wheat. You stop eating, but that little amount is going to do the same damage as eating a whole loaf of bread. You swallow a crumb, & that ___ days without wheat resets A-FUCKING-GAIN.

I don't go out to eat. I don't eat what my boss cooks, including heavenly kimchi stew or any other tasty stuff. I don't have even a bite of birthday cake when there's a birthday (EVERY TIME, Anna the head teacher will say, "Oh, you can't have?" & I'll nod, then she'll say, "Just one bite?" & I decline again, while everyone eats cake with really good butter cream frostings that the bakeries here use). It sucks, but I've accepted it. I take the cookies & breads & candy & everything the little kids bring me for presents & give them away or throw them away. NEVERTHELESS, eventually I will try something that seems safe, & wham! the clock restarts.

Admittedly, I'm not doing what I really HAVE to do, which is never eat ANYTHING fried, because deep fried anything in oil that was used to cook something with wheat means your food's contaminated. I RARELY eat out, but when I do, it's something like french fries or things I know aren't made with wheat. Soooo, I'm not 100% because I'm a fucking human being trying to not slit my wrists in Asia so I can eventually make it to Europe. But I'm 98%, which should count for fucking SOMETHING. And yet, it fucking does not. So, will I ever be able to try grains again? It's looking like absolutely not, because I'm never not consuming them in some way, no matter how hard I try.

I'm EXHAUSTED & FRUSTRATED & angry & resentful of all the trying & work I have to do to not eat anything risky.

Funny enough, despite being in Korea, I AM 100% on being rice & other-grain free! I haven't had rice or anything made with it in... it'll be a year this winter. Funny that rice-free is easier here than wheat-free, but here we are.

Waiting for the trickle to stop

In case this hasn't been made manifestly clear, the ONLY reason I am on dating apps is due to BOREDOM, not because I'm lonely or want or need someone in my life. In fact, I was focusing late last week on some remote jobs, which took up my free time quite nicely so there was no desire to scroll left on the hordes from a country who, for me, don't start plastic surgery early nor often enough.

I am currently talking to 2 military guys. Well, 3, but one is in Syria on a peacekeeping mission. I know! Did YOU know we have guys in the ground doing the ol' peacekeeping gig in Syria? He didn't write for 2 days & when he did I said how've you been, he replied, base got attacked by insurgents, so had to find a new place to build base.

You know, it SHOULD make me feel small, & my silly, insignificant issues should seem just that. It's just that... I've BEEN down this road ssooooooooo many times & know the verses & chorus too well to give a flying fuck if he thinks my bad day is cute when his is literally life or death. I can't be serious about military guys, I already know that. This particular guy, get this, LOVED Seoul & can't wait to live here. Obviously a TBI accompanied him on his tour of Seoul, because no one with a sense of aesthetics, strictly air-breathing lungs, or 3rd grade sense of logic could love Asia, never mind Seoul. He's also as good a conversationalist as a comatose person, so this has my falling for him written all over it!

Naturally the 2nd guy with whom I'm talking the most is ACTUALLY (you won't believe it. *I* can't believe it!) good at conversation, nice, SO NOT looking for a hook-up but someone to date, so YES! you guessed it, he's actually hiding fat in his photos. He's also military though, so no, he doesn't really read. Or use proper grammar. OR EVEN DRINK COCKTAILS. Noooo, this guy is more of a beer & shots kind of guy. Isn't that translated into mouth-breather? How nice. I get the pleasant task of saying no, the 15 year age gap doesn't matter to me, but the 15 point IQ difference, does.

WHY?? WHY IS EVERYONE SO DUMB? Why, when men believed for MILLENNIA, they were the superior sex, did they NOT NOTICE that good-looking and smart rarely, if ever, coexisted in the same body? 

When can I be in Europe where not stupid & handsome CAN coexist? Why is it SO FAR OFF? Why am I in the inspiration and spirit animal of Latin America? Why can't I GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THAT PLACE??

Sooo.... maybe hateful me just hates... everywhere that isn't Europe

Today I tried [an unsuccessful] autoimmune paleo cookie recipe, and I'd say somewhat naturally, I put on music. Because the rest of the world is persona non gratis to pandora, spotify, & VPNs, I went with my usual continuous music source outside what those of  you in the civilized world use: youtube. But yet again, Korea exists solely to piss me off in the comfort of my own home, because their ads are: a.) before every song in a goddamned list and b.) SEVERAL. MINUTES. LONG. This particular ad is several minutes of text, no sound. Which isn't as bad as the 5-minute ad of some average schmo talking about some rice wine/liquor, but in any event, I had to come to my computer with gunk-covered hands, only to accidentally close the window, then clean my fingers to get youtube back up & play song TWO in the goddamned play list.

There's a K-pop group that a student wrote about in one of my classrooms. I always thought the name was a little weird: B1A4. Someone wrote about B1A4 being their favorite band. I always thought that was a weird-ass name for a group, but never thought about asking about it, until I was talking with one of my middle school classes, & one of the girls mentioned that group. I said, "Yeah, I've heard of them but don't know any songs by them, what is the name about?" Well, there are 5 boys in the group, & 1 of them is blood type B, while the other 4 are type A.

I've heard that people in Korea diet, & even DATE, based on blood type. But, advertising it as the name of your BAND? Is, to me, beyond fucking weird & creepy.

The friend who told me I was going through the "I hate everything here" phase just found out I'm paleo with a couple other restrictions, so she said, "No wonder you hate it here."

I mean, I live in a country where biological age is not a thing, but publicly announcing your blood type IS, & where carb loading is dinner 5 times/week. Somebody, please, save me.

Did I know that tears to ligaments don't ever completely heal?

Lately, maybe starting last week or so, I noticed that the back of my right knee hurts a bit when I do stretches with my right knee bent facing out. Decided since I am on vacation & was just going to do yoga this week anyway that I may as well make an appointment to see one of the only real PT providers in Korea that I know of, rather than repeating my experience a the orthopedic clinic who thought a shin splint was a bruise (without discoloration).

She asked for a history of injuries, & I luckily found the name of the ligament. I can't remember if it was the left or the right, though feeling somewhat confident it was the right, particularly given this.

I'm seeing her on Wednesday, & she said no "vigorous activities" until I see her. I asked if yoga counts. Damn it, that was my plan next week. Oh well, I can't say I'm THAT sad when I have to rest if I can't even do that-- I love the luxury of sitting around after work like most people. Just hopefully it isn't worse than it was back then.

Only other news is that my skin is JUST NOT getting over last month. It seems to be getting worse, though maybe it's just getting worse before it gets better. I won't even chance it with flavored drinks anymore because corn seems to really piss off my skin & I don't know how much HFCS is used here, if at all. I'm hoping it's just that my skin takes longer to recover each time I fall off the party-pooper wagon, rather than there being some OTHER new thing I'm allergic to, or my skin's just done being on good behavior when I give up eating 80% of food for its sake.

The one bright spot in it all is my real freezer, which has plenty of room for everything, including the last of the Absolut Korea I had in my fridge, that just isn't quite as good chilled instead of very cold.

How soon I forget

Gave myself a nice anxiety attack last night-- wanted to double-check the debt repayment timetable. 33 months, not 30. So staying a third year is what must be done. Unfortunately, it'll end right when my contract does, so I won't even have the option to throw at the student debt. That shit isn't ever going anywhere. For damned sure. Nor will I have the option to throw the money I was throwing at cc debt toward the money I need in my bank account for Europe.

I made one extra payment last night toward the cc debt, so now it's 32 instead of 33. I have another $600 I believe leftover from my severance for my first year at Jung Chul, but that I will send for my student loans.

Funding for Europe will be my pension then (hopefully/I think around $5000), plus my severance, so that would be about $7000. Then will pray to God I can get extra loan from Stafford or something.

Interestingly, my friend Rin has been in Korea for... 7 years? 5? Don't know, but she has no intentions of ever leaving. When I mentioned how I'm miserable at having stay & am only relaxed & happy at work, she said that's how she felt at year 2-3. Amazing that this shit cycles so much & takes so long. Jesus. JUST like Keri said. I listen to a lot of what she says, then disregard pieces that are always proven true anyway.

So here's hoping that my burning hatred shall to pass.

Will be interesting to see if same cycle repeats in Europe. Where they at least have really good wine cheap. Unlike this fuck show. Hey look at me, being a normal expat!! I'M NORMAL! FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!

Shit is never easy

It didn't take long before I became deeply depressed & demoralized by my first, & I'd say most significant, roadblock: money. & that issue itself isn't the cost of school-- graduate courses in most German universities only go up to around 2000 euros/semester. No, the main issue is living. & in order to get the student visa, I'd need to show that I have enough money in my bank account to live on, so I won't end up on their welfare system. Laughably, the requirement is only about 8,600 euros for a year. Laughable for not only how SOOOO low that number is for living for a year in Western Europe, but also because there's just no way I could conceive of getting that money together.

I despaired & drank that night, though Kiki's admonishing me for giving up so easily on my first roadblock to NZ was in my mind. Of course, Germany doesn't care if that money comes strictly from scrimping and saving, loans, or a combination. I have already heard from the one org that provides scholarships to foreign students for studying in Europe, & I'm ineligible for a scholarship because it has been more than 6 years since my undergrad degree. But I can still apply for loans.

So, not thrilled about that, but ok. Then I was reminded that I'm not quite as far from my goals as whatever I can squirrel away while working-- when I leave Korea, I collect my pension. One girl who's leaving said after 3 years she'll have about 6 million won, or without doing the actual exchange rate, $6000. I'll only have 2 years, unless I stay for ONE MORE year, which I just can't fathom or accept, particularly given how fucking hard it is for me to eat here, & the pollution & all the other big and small things that I hate about being here. Because in case I haven't said it here or it has been a while, I'm only happy when I'm at work. YEP, you read that right! I'm relaxed & happy at work, it's when I leave that I'm aggravated AF.

Sooo, I'm deciding whether I should do the extra year or not. Technically, my loan repayment is for 2.5 years, & given how tight my budget always is, I haven't been able to put more toward it to shorten the amount of time. & then I'd still have another few months to use the money I was using for the credit card debt aside for this instead (though there are still those PESKY, awful student loans).

Assuming I could get the amount up to $10,000 or so with pension, severance, etc., I'd plan on taking out another $10,000 if I could to be safe because, SERIOUSLY German immigration. Because I still don't know how I'd get the part time job I'm allowed on the visa when I don't speak any German, & even if I start studying now, won't get to where I can work there.

Sooo, I don't know, it seems I'll have to stay an extra year, even though the idea makes me wretched. I just want to get the fuck out of Asia. Period. But, other than the Middle East which is even less of an option, this is it for making enough money. The only other way is taking out a bigger loan, IF I'm even able to do so.

Short research break= short update

As I've often said, Europe is where I want to be. But the only way I can get to Europe to teach (which is the only way I'll get to Europe anyway) is by teaching English. A couple weeks ago, at a party, I met an Aussie who's leaving Korea to teach in Germany. Which is also where my newest dear friends & married couple Rob & Meghan are going. Naturally, the Aussie told me she is certified to teach in Oz. But she told me it took her 6 months to get this job, & she was damned lucky, because she doesn't have a Masters. She said if I really want to teach in Europe, of course I need to get certified, but it's not a bad idea to get a Masters too.

Great, except for that whole massive expense issue. There was one program I looked at in Chicago while I was home that would run me about $60-80,000 for both. & I just can't. It's too much.

Then I remembered that it can be less money to get higher education abroad. Even for us Americans (maybe especially for us, given the insane cost of university there). You can take courses all in English too, so language needn't be a concern. Plus, of course, I'd be in Europe while getting said education.

As with every idea that I consider doing, cockimamy or otherwise, I've already run my getting my Masters (even at my age) past my tether to reality, Mercedes, who has always supported me getting my Masters. Rob & Meghan have frequently & seriously told me I can stay with them if I choose Germany until I get myself sorted, or even live with them if I so choose.

Sooo, here I sit, researching Masters programs in Europe. I'm concentrating on Germany because it's a popular destination for people doing this. Plus my soon-to-be-local connections. Though I'm not sure how I'll like Germany. Jason hated it, which gives me pause. Significant pause. New York University has a program for ESL in Prague, though my friend Jess here hated Prague, which likewise gives me pause, though of course there's no guarantee I'd hate these places too, nor like them particularly if my happiness period requires me to take an anti-depressant.

I'm worried about waiting too long, but also worried about money. Most places, Germany in particular, only allow you to work part time to take care of your expenses, & you can't do freelance. So I'm not that sure how realistically affordable this is-- or rather, how I'm going to make it work, since I'm pretty well decided on this.

While I considered England for any number of obvious reasons, one big deterrent is the cost of living, particularly in London. I can't imagine Cambridge or Oxford would be much better. & hell there's even Scotland or Australia or NZ for that matter, but I'd rather be on the mainland, closer to unvisited & favorite countries alike.

So, if you've any suggestions on raking through the quantity of info, etc., let me know. I'll keep you updated on where things look to be headed. I'm aiming for after completing this contract.