Assuredly, this is a most temporary respite from unpleasantness,

but I feel strangely good this morning. This was only made possible, however, by the demise of my constant companion, anxiety.

It's a nice sunny day outside, and I suspect as warm as yesterday. There are St. Paddy celebrations all over the area.... and I saw a great job post for people who are alum of the TEFL Academy that I am an alum of, who want people who have taught abroad, opening in Chicago. In this job, you'd help advise people on where they're going and getting there. I think I'd enjoy that, although I may have deep personal conflicts when not being able to tell someone that in fact, the only way you have a chance of not becoming impoverished in Latin America is by having lived as a near-homeless person for the past 4 years in college, and not knowing anything better or another way. The real clincher for me? 4 weeks' vacation. THAT'S more like what I'm talking about! (Jason and I discussed our huge difficulty with reentering the American workforce, knowing that we're tied to those jobs with measly, if any, vacation. Though Jason is more conflicted, because he wants a job where he can just up and leave for indeterminate amounts of time. And while that's exactly what I want, I'm slightly more ok with accepting less than that for a little stability.)

I was rather nervous yesterday morning, to see if Hetty would remain as nice and reasonable about my quitting as she was the night before. We talked more yesterday, and she again asked if I was sure about quitting.

The thing is, I realized, this IS a good school, and she IS a good boss, even if there are still the Korean parts of being a boss that one must adjust to. It really wasn't until I talked to some of the women who've been expats here in Korea for years that I learned that there were 3 things combining to fuck with my head and force me to quit. First, the culture shock. And I still find it interesting to now say there are DIFFERENT TYPES of culture shock. Here in Korea, I really can't imagine anyone who's travelled a bit will encounter it anywhere outside of work. But inside of work? OH YES. Yes you will. Whereas in China, it will assault you as you walk down the street of the tourist parts of Beijing.

So, yes, culture shock. Culture shock isn't pleasant, but trust me even though I wasn't entirely sure, lol, culture shock alone canNOT account for this much anxiety. Thing number 2? New ownership. WAAYYY back in my first professional job out of college, the company I worked for was sold to Siemens Dematic. New ownership! This affected me not at all except how I answered the phone. But here, in these smaller schools which are usually franchises, it often/usually means, forget what you learned/were learning/thought you knew. Or parts of it. Or all of it. Or some, or none, but now add on this new paperwork/system for something. Because understandably, a new person has a new way of doing things. According to what I've been told, new ownership is very stressful for all involved, and the transition period is anywhere from 3-6 months. Plus, the start of a new school year is ALWAYS highly stressful, thanks to new schedules which are still likely to be changed literally day-to-day, etc.

And thirdly? Hetty has never owned a hagwon before. Her sister/family has, but this is her first time doing it. So, she's learning her way into things too. Meaning, you put all of that together, and you get me marinating in nonstop, super-strong anxiety and stress.

Interestingly, when we spoke yesterday, Hetty admitted she wasn't thrilled with me when she first came on. But from what I remember, she said she looked forward to working with me on that. I can only guess that may have meant turning me into the outgoing nonpainted clown that Asians really expect ESL teachers here to be. Basically, the way teachers here put it is, they truly could not care less if the kids are learning, as long as they're having fun. Because it they're having fun, playing games and entertained by the dancing, singing, outrageously silly monkey that they call a teacher, they're happy, so their parents are happy to keep shelling out money for them to keep going there. Hearing confirmation that Hetty didn't really like me (but MAYBE saw potential in me maybe? I guess?), I am rather confused as to why the sadness. In fact, last night we rode down in the elevator together, and made slight small talk. Given my general inability to read people that well, never mind someone from a different culture, I'm likely wrong, but it felt as though she was sad, and a bit confused as to how I could be so pleasant and talk as if nothing had happened. In fact, she told me that Thursday night she couldn't sleep because of my quitting. Me? I'm really just assuming it's due to her feeling super-stressed by her new job (understandable, and also likely what's been a big part of my problem with her, that she lashes out at me due to her general stress, which honestly is my JUST DESSERTS, given that's what *I* always do to people!), plus the new stress  of having to figure out this hiring-a-new-teacher so soon.

Still, as I said, she's still chomping at the bit to get someone new in ASAP, so then I will be out ASAP. And the TEFL Academy job they want to start in April. So!! My ONLY niggling-feeling? I really did want to get a full year here under my belt, for the experience, if not the money. To have the chance to break through the culture shock, and keeping having more money than I need to live on. We got paid for February on March 10, and this was the first deposit into my bank account. I'm still living off of the cash from January's pay that I received on February 12. I haven't transferred any of that money over to my American bank account to pay off those nightmare credit card bills, but I WILL (read: MUST). And yes, I was wanting/hoping to get another year or 2 of teaching abroad done before heading home, but the thing I've learned even while finally making a good amount of money here is that, particularly when thinking long term as one must at my age toward retirement, there's really no place you can really set yourself up for that other than your home country. I was actually thinking how perfect it would be if I could just come back here to retire, except I'd need to be on the healthcare plan when older because those medical costs won't be as they are now. The only place an ESL teacher can make money is in Asia, but it really is not that easy to live here. I know that I need to live in developed countries, and Latin America's most developed, isn't. You can forget working in Europe thanks to no visa to non-EU citizens like us Americans (or Aussies), in addition to the fact that, again, you're just not going to be paid enough to be ok. And anywhere else in Asia, you're really just going to make enough to be fine where you are, but no saving, and undeveloped/really fucked-up. So, do I still have time to sow my wanderlust oats, so to speak, before I really need to buckle down? If you're a responsible person, hell no. If you're me, yes. Lol. But I still see the writing on the wall, how untenable this is for more than 5-10 years, depending on your age. So, wish me luck with that job!! And if not that job, wish me luck on finding a better one here in Korea!