Bear with me here,

while I do some thinking.

So, first lawyer felt there wasn't much he could do for me, & I'm to send pics of my contracts & ARC card to lawyer number 2. None of this is a particularly appetizing turn of events, especially given my previous report of Hetty's mourning state, which will add nothing good to her mental state. So I mean, I'll probably do it, but I'm not in the hurry that I've been urged to be in on this.

Had the interview with the Taiwanese company, and all was going well until they asked me a question on the present perfect tense. Last year, I was going over & OVER this tense with my students: when you use it, with different students, over the course of probably 4-6 months. That did me NO good on Thursday when I completely blanked on it. I could not BELIEVE that I just forgot it completely that fast, but I did. Maybe it doesn't mean I completely killed my chances of working there, but I'm not going to hold my breath to see if I get a second interview. Never mind what other grammar question they'll ask that I won't be able to handle.

Still waiting to hear about when the Canadian who owns the school in Japan wants to interview me. He said he definitely does, but is slow to reply. Which is funny, since he said they were in something of a hurry to get their teacher there. I'm still not loving the prospect of Japan, never mind a seemingly good-sized port town that is nowhere near any city I've ever heard of. But the school sounds great.

What ALSO sounded great was teachers in Turkey saying that the country is desperate for teachers because so many have been leaving due to the bombings and stuff. They're in other cities where there aren't any problems. So there is no shortage of jobs, possibly even ones in real schools. It's just that that desperation still hasn't quite reached the paying-enough-for-my-debt levels yet.

What has been the opposite of interesting is that over this nice long weekend I got bored. Really bored. So bored that I went over to see Army guy, who's hardly entertaining. Found out he's a Trump supporter. This is just one example of the harm I've mentioned that comes from my being bored. I spend time with Trump supporters. A TRUMP SUPPORTER!!??????

And my first thoughts when I realized I was bored here already, were that's what people are for. It's only one of many reasons, but still, a reason I'll get in touch with people is when I'm bored. At first it concerned me that maybe I was a psychopath or something, and that maybe that's the only way I see people. I was worried for a few days, until today when I realized I like talking to my friends when they call me, and when I'm wondering just how they're doing. So boredom repellent isn't the sole reason I have friends and get in touch with them.

Then I thought, HOW can I be bored?! I STILL don't speak more than 4 words of Korean, I've hardly seen any of the country... HOW can I be bored?

I talked to Jason this weekend, who wondered what I love to do. I just can't think of anything. I said the one thing I used to love to do, that I was obsessed with doing, and couldn't stop doing enough researching, reading, writing, and experiencing of and about, was traveling. But that isn't really a thing now. I wished again he'd come out here, because I was never bored when he was around. (Nor when I'm talking to Mercedes, though that could also be due to the rarity of the event, lol.) I don't have a Jason or Mercedes here. He asked me if I would go back to Santiago right now if it was just like before: he & I hanging out at his place. I asked if we'd still have to leave to go to work. He said yes. And I mean of fucking COURSE I wouldn't go back! That was what drove me insane in the first place: having to deal with that country. I reminded him of the times I would call him from the train station after work, saying that the 5th train I couldn't squeeze onto had just gone by, and I was fucking done and going home.

So hey! Maybe I don't prefer misery to boredom. Lol.

And I was laying here in my apartment thinking about it, after putting my okcupid profile back up because online dating is what I do when I'm bored. And by the way? Okcupid is DEAD here. There are literally 10 guys in my area on there. I thought that site was everywhere, but no. Which is a saving grace because I don't WANT to date. (I just don't think Aaron and I are. I think we're both using each other to pass our time here. He's looking forward to going back to the US at his 7-month-mark in October. He knows I'm likely leaving. We talk, but not about anything to deep or personal.) But I was grasping at straws of how not to be bored.

So what makes me bored? What makes people bored? And I thought, one thing that makes you lose interest in everything is depression. Interestingly, Mercedes, who's very much against medication, suggested that maybe I should go on antidepressants. In fact, here's what she said, typos and all, as is her habit and wont:

Maybe your doctor could prescribe you a happy pill to improve your mood.  Then you wouldn't hate it so much while you're waiting for your replacement. ;).  But seriously since you haven't been happy anywhere for a why do you think that you're going through a bit of a depression that maybe some other medications would help.  I'm not big on taking medications but I have seen it help some of my friends.  I know that you have all your hopes pinned on Europe.  If you're not in the right mind frame it might not be as great when you arrive. 

I think everyplace is generally great when you're on vacation, but once you have to actually live there is when reality sets in....

If your not in the right in frame when you arrive it may make it harder to deal with things and you may also not end up being happy.  I know your still trying to find your way and get traveling etc out of your system but as you said the more time you spend in a place the more intolerant etc you get.  I've always been more of a cup is half full and you've always been more of the cup is half empty.  But when traveling and dealing with new cultures I think we just have to laugh of the problems and continue. 

She also had an opinion on Jason that isn't totally off-mark, I guess:

I can't think of his name if it's Jason your friend from Chile.  I know you speak to him a lot, and as much fun as he may be to speak to I think he fuels the negativity, which at the end keeps you hating everything.   I know I mentioned that when we spoke.  I thought he was great and funny but sometimes always being negative keeps you in a negative place. 

And she closed with:

Anyway I just want you to be happy and enjoy all of these great experiences that you are having the chance to get.  Tons of people would love to be in your shoes having lived and worked in Chile and now having the chance in Korea.  They are quite amazing opportunities.

 So, Mercedes is usually right about a lot of things, both in general, and when it comes to me. I can see what she's saying about Jason, but honestly, when he was off the grid and not speaking to anyone, it felt like I was missing a limb. There was always a sadness lurking, even when I was completely immersed in the misery of "teaching" 4-year-olds how to add 10,280 to 32,052. As soon as I left work, I'd walk out the door and just miss him. Neither one of us would be better off without the other now. I'll fucking kill him if he ever tries that shit again, and he would be devastated if we weren't friends anymore too. And honestly, I feel BETTER after I talk to him, not worse! There are people I feel worse after I talk to. Yes, he & I are a lot alike, but no, he doesn't spend our conversational time being negative.

But I can't help feeling she might be right about the medication. And Dr. Budisin had suggested that for me as well, but I'd refused, especially because of my thyroid meds, but also because it seemed to me that my unhappiness at that time was due to the life I was leading, not a lack of seratonin in my system.

So, I guess we're going to see how medicated I can get in Korea! The anti-anxiety meds made me feel more normal. Maybe antidepressants will too.