We are LONG overdue for my bitch list.

W(h)ine? DON'T MIND IF I DO!
Another letdown of a day here in Chile. Yeah, yeah, I've been here one MONTH, give myself and the country some time. How MUCH time exactly, though? I saw an ad for, well God knows I really don't know what the hell it was for, it was very minimalist in text and images, but I saw that the name of the organization was Patagoniasomething. And I thought of how I intended to travel when I got down here. But everything seems so hard to do here. It seemed SO MUCH EASIER in Asia. HOW could it be EASIER in Asia? Maybe it's just my maladjusted perspective that thinks since I've settled in here and hadn't planned trips like I had in Asia, hence messing with a trip already planned is easier than a nonexistent one. But I mean, change my itinerary last-minute to stay longer Chiang Mai? No problem! Go to the market and buy I-don't-know-how-to-say-that-in-Spanish by the, oh-did-I-mention-I-don't-know-how-much-it-should-weigh, either? Nah, that's alright, I'll just starve. I have rice, tea, and well sure, alcohol. But not all of my cornucopic variety from home-- I have YET to see single malt scotch here. Blends, sure, but Macallan? My two 20-something guy students today hadn't even heard of Macallan, nevermind Laphroaig or Talisker.
I came home needing some tea, but also a drink, because existence in this country requires a constant, steady dose. I can't say the gin in my tea tastes bad, but what I REALLY wanted was an Irish tea. With heavy cream, which, you know what? I can't find that shit here. So here is a list of the things I intentionally or unwittingly gave up to come to Chile:
-heavy cream. And you know? I kind of would LOVE to get my milk from the fridge, rather than in the shelf-stable boxes they're currently housed in. But oh. Oh how I miss heavy cream.
-scotch
-a variety of white vermouths
-a variety of cheeses. Get ready to start a lifelong love affair with queso fresco! Variety is not the spice of life here. How GREAT would Cheddar cheese taste with that brocolli? Only my memories will tell me.
-wasabi & ginger with your sushi. You will get ONE slice of ginger, & a small pea-sized dot of wasabi. Apparently, that's as much as a Chilean can stand. You can ask for extra. I'm not sure how much extra I'll need to ask for before I get something that can be seen with the naked human eye.
-the internet
Let's pause there. The internet. I have 20 MB/month. This means: no netflix, no skype, basically no facebook (hey, your new profile pic ate up 3 days' worth of data, and that was the first post in my updates! Thanks so much!). *Update: now though, I have NO internet in my apartment; it went off at some point in the wee small hours of Sunday morning. I'm not sure if it's because I already used all the data or because my wifi is as reliable as the rare cafe's wifi, which is dependent on clear skies & sunshine. Half the time, you will find that that cafe with wifi doesn't have it today. This is met with a shrug-- what a suprise, it went out again. But most of the time, whatever establishment you think of going into does not have wifi. And since everything is closed on Sunday, so is the wifi.
-plain yogurt is HARD to find. I've only found it in 1-2 grocery stores. I stock the eff up when I see that shit. There is an entire WALL of the nasty fruit-on-the-bottom crap I can't stand, or the overly-sweetened and chemically-manufactured flavors.
-quinoa. No seriously, what the FU** CHILE!? Instead, you again have half an aisle, 1 entire side of every store I go into, dedicated to white rice. How many brands of it do you need? Of course, you could make that case in the US for bread, and I've seen, for example, orange juice. I just didn't think it'd be hard to find quinoa-- we are NOT FAR from where it's cultivated, amiright!? *Update: Talked to a teacher who has been here for about 4 months. Quinoa can be found in specialty natural stores for the outstanding deal of $18/box.
-lemons. I guess they're just seasonal here & I should be grateful? It's not difficult to find the Chilean so-called equivalent for lemons, which are mostly green instead of yellow & rockhard. Leading me to believe they're not ripe. They're as concerned with tomato quality here as the US... but while I can find an entire shelf of canned strawberries, I miss the tomatoes. They must be in the pasta aisle, which I don't need, because of the whole no-wheat thing.
-limes for juice. They're the size of peach pits and have the same amount of juice.
-COFFEE. CHRIST. I'm the Ancient Mariner here: coffee coffee everywhere, but not a drop to drink. My options are: Nescafe (SERIOUSLY, WORLD, what is your OBSESSION with this crap?? Ever heard of American exceptionalism? One way that the US is different from the rest of the world is that it's not that into Nescafe. That's 1 thing the US has over... EVERYONE ELSE EVERYWHERE), or some other instant/powdered coffee. You can buy Nescafe in cafes! They probably sell it in Starbucks! But what if you don't LIKE Nescafe, because your taste buds weren't killed off decades ago?
-fresh herbs. Alright, the case can be made that I haven't gone to the green markets, only grocery stores.
-Oh, did you want PALEO with that? Huh. Good fucking luck with that.
-wait... coconut milk WITHOUT sugar? Yo... yo no comprendo. This does not exist. Maybe it comes already sweetened in cans on the trees?
-a store that sells the tools to get into their products. I will never get over the corkscrew fiasco. And the only ones I've seen, and the one I got, is that really cheap plastic kind, which actually took the cork out in 2 pieces. I mean, it's better than the no-corkscrew wine which is generously sprinkled and served with cork. But then, there were still a few errant bits of cork in the bottle I opened. Maybe that's a thing here?
-central heat. Anyone who knows me knows I am harboring a cold hatred for the southern hemisphere for missing out on this 200-year-old innovation. If only my hatred could keep me warm. It can't-- otherwise, I'd be heating this entire building.
-screens. Again. Seriously southern hemisphere. This is 1 of those recent innovations that are actually incredibly affordable and awesome.
-the ability to exit the subway from whichever exit you choose. Half of the salidas are actually only for a change of platform-- you can't actually get the hell out. No ma'am. You have to go back downstairs and find an exit that IS an exit. Apparently, deciding that dammit, you WERE going east but now you want to go west, is as popular an option is using the metro to get from point A to point B.

Then there's being told that whatever place you are teaching/meeting is off the ___ metro stop. Hey, that's super, but each metro station has different exits for different streets/directions. Which INCREDIBLY helpful IF you are provided with a little more info. So when I exit the Tobalaba station, which of the 4 should I take?
-dryers. Imagine your clothes taking 3 days to dry. Yes, the dream can be yours, just come to a place without heaters, indoor heat, and a damp winter. Or, you know, go to Asia. WHERE AT LEAST YOU'D BE WARM.
-being able to get food quickly. My electric stove... I mean, I had one in Columbus, & they always suck, but it still cooked shit! It takes 3 hours to make 4 servings of rice. Usually I spend the 1st 2- 2.5 hours checking the pot that is still full of water, albeit at least steaming. Then, it all evaporates and burns to the pan in the next 5 minutes. I have yet to make rice that didn't stick to the pan.
But mainly, try to sit down at a restaurant or even cafe and leave in under an hour. Only having a cappuccino? Well, you'll sit for 10 minutes, then they'll see you, they'll give you 5 minutes to decide, and then take 20 minutes to make it & bring it. (And there's the whole "Crema or leche?" I didn't get this, until I said crema & they brought me a cappucchino with whipped cream instead of frothy goodness.) You really need to ask for your cuenta as soon as you order, too, because it'll be another 30 minutes after you've been served dinner before you'll see the server again to ask for it. This takes another 15 minutes to be produced. Unless you got coffee. Then? You have to go up to the counter, because you won't see the server ever again.
For this, they want to be tipped 10%, which is the same US$ amount as 20%.
-skirt hangers. WHERE CAN I FIND THEM!??? CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!! Some of my pants just want to hang from the waist, rather than folded over a plastic bar, forming a crease.
-ziplock bags. I shit you not, these do not exist. I have been to the big grocery store, smaller ones that are still chains. I have not seen garbage bags or ziplock bags. Diapers, yes. Cleaning stuff, uh-huh. Papertowels, sure. There is not 1 thing of foil or Saran wrap or little storage bags anywhere. A Chilean couchsurfer didn't know what the former was, and told me aluminum foil would be in the hardware store.
* UPDATE: I found an errant, all-by-itself roll somewhere in a large grocery store. Still waiting for plastic stuff to appear.
-the ability to use American as a nationality. You might have heard, South Americans take offense at us answering to the name Americans because they're from America, too. I mean, yes, I see what they mean in that they're also from a continent named America (oh... by the way: North & South America are one continent here. Because they're connected. Asia & Europe are still two different continents, though). Look. The name of your country is Chile. Not Chile of America, not Chile, America or American Chile. Just Chile. When I go... PRETTY MUCH anywhere else in the world, I'm an american(a). Chileans give me that America is in the name of my country, but this is more a grudging concession which in no way changes it being wrong to usurp the title of American in their eyes. As a result, I am constantly stopping myself or correcting myself from using American as an adjective-- I have to say ____ from the US.
-effing witch hazel. Google translate gave me the Latin name. Ok; I've seen it on bottles I got (EASILY! CHEAPLY!) at the grocery store in the US. The woman at the beauty supply store has no idea what that is. At the pharmacy, at first the pharmacist seems confused, then starts showing me a plethora of tubes & bottles that have... some ingredient in it. She asks if I want lotion. No, I want just plain 'ol witch hazel. Astringent. When I say that last word, Spanish-ified, she brightens up & says I have to go to a dermatologist to get that. I have to go where for what!?!!?!?! Are you effing INSANE? I'm not going to a doctor for what Jewel & every Walgreens sold for 99 cents! Jesus.
But you want to hear a REALLY funny story? My students said Americans complain a lot. I was surprised to hear this, at first, since America's the land of shiny happy puppies bouncing around smiling for no reason. They said that Alyssa, their former teacher, did that all the time. I, on the other hand, did not complain. Ha. HAHAHAHAHHAHHA. Just, you know, not to them. That's what YOU guys are for. Besides, why complain to people who don't know what they're missing?